My Heart is a Bulb of Garlic

[Ozier Qeb]

June 28th, 1884

It had been over a month. Amalia was acting so strange, he'd though maybe after a few days she would tell him what was wrong, he'd tentatively tried coaxing an answer out of her in the most subtle way he could with his limited grasp of English but a few days had turned into a week or two and now he felt like things were so fragile that by his pretending things were okay and would look up, they'd stay together just a little longer. If he pushed his luck, he was afraid it would shatter and as a result he'd hear what he'd been dreading and he'd lose her.

Things could only continue in such a fashion for so long, it was agony drawing it out and he wasn't sure how much longer he could remain silent about it. He needed to know what was wrong, what he'd done or what she'd done though he was sure it was more likely to be the former. If it was something he could fix or make amends for then he'd do it but he could if he didn't know what he was trying to atone for.

He'd fallen asleep staring at the back of Amalia's head. She'd be gone by the time he awoke, that was a mystery in itself. When he awoke that morning, it was as he had expected. Somehow despite knowing she would move, he always hoped he'd wake up and find her there, like it would be a sign that everything was back to normal. Normal would they ever have it again? Normal for them at least.

Ozier yawned and sighed heavily to himself, reluctantly getting out of bed to dress himself. He walked into their lounge area and stopped to mournfully stare at Amalia's sleeping figure. Or at least he thought she was asleep.

  

[Amalia Qeb]

It wasn't unusual, anymore, for Amalia to wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares and move from her shared bed with Ozier to the couch in their shoddy lounging area. Two months, it'd been. Two months and Amalia still hadn't the heart to tell Ozier. Things still weren't normal. She still wouldn't let him touch her - maybe a fleeting touch of their hands, maybe a kiss on the cheek but even that put Amalia's body into such a state of tenseness that she wondered if she'd ever be able to be normal with him again. And it broke her heart that there she stayed, knowing she should just relieve him of it all but being unable to. She loved him so dearly but could she ever really give him what he deserved again? Could she ever really be his once more the way they'd once been?

She hardly slept much anymore after her nightmares and when she heard footsteps - Ozier's, no doubt - she was in a half sleep daze, eyes closed and hoping that maybe she'd find some peace of mind for another hour at least. But she didn't. It was as it was every morning. He'd walk in, see here there and just look at her for a moment before going about his morning ritual. Usually she just pretended to be asleep, not wanting to talk to him more than she absolutely had to, but that morning she couldn't keep silent. She was so tired of it all - tired of keeping it a secret when she knew that he wasn't an idiot. He knew something was wrong but she just hadn't told him what. So she spoke before even realizing she'd meant to: "Why are you looking at me like that?" Her eyes opened as she lie on her side, looking up to him with her eyes tired. She always looked so tired lately.

  

[Ozier Qeb]

Ozier was taken aback by her speaking. He had assumed her asleep for one thing and for another, he had thought she wouldn't speak to him but rather pretend if she happened to be awake. He wasn't sure to be pleased or discouraged by the words that greeted him. She looked at him and he felt his heart break a little. Three months ago he doubted he would have recognized the woman who looked at him now - not that she was physically changed but there was something about her face that was different, almost a weariness. He had wondered on and off if she was perhaps sick but she didn't really show any symptoms of sickness, not that he'd observed anyway.

He didn't really know what sort of look he was giving her, he was merely gazing upon her but the expression was more of a subconscious thing. "You looked much peaceful," he replied, taking a good pause for thinking up a neutral response. He didn't want to say that it saddened him every time he found her asleep on the couch and not next to him, for all his want to have things normal again, all courage for confrontation had fizzled out and died the moment she spoke.

  

[Amalia Qeb]

She could hardly help but give a slight smile at his broken English. He still wasn't great at her native language and that was still charming to Amalia. Her smile was hardly a joyous kind - weak as it was - but it was there almost reflexively. "I looked very peaceful, you mean." She corrected his English, sitting up from where she was lying down, her feet skimming across the floor. She tucked a piece of her hair that had fallen out of its braid behind her ear. She didn't know how she'd looked peaceful at all, troubled as she was. She was troubled by everything of late, it seemed. Unable to tell him what was going on being the most of her worries. No, she wasn't at peace in the least.

"Looks can be deceiving, you know." She said it softly, looking at her feet as she kicked them ever so softly. She hadn't even really meant to say the words aloud but they'd managed to find their way out anyways and she looked up at him after a moment, hands braced on the edge of the shabby couch on either side of her, eyes almost relaying that she just wanted to tell him what had happened. She was so tired of having to avoid him, to keep it a secret. If he left her for it...well, wouldn't that be easier than living day by day as they were then?

  

[Ozier Qeb]

The sight of a smile albeit small and faint, gave him hope. That was one thing he had missed sorely of late - her smile. Whatever had happened when she vanished, it had robbed her of her smile, the smile he adored. "Yes, very peaceful," he replied slowly, relishing their brief (so far) interaction that was as close to normal as it could be of late.

Ozier watched her sit up, wondering if that was it, if he ought to shuffle on and help himself to some breakfast because their moment of the day was gone. He was about to start walking away so as not to drench himself further in awkwardness and dismay when she spoke again, rooting him to the spot. What did she mean? Deceiving... Device... Devil... Deceive. Deceive meant lying in a sense, did that mean she was confirming that she wasn't at peace at all? That meant she might finally get off her chest what the cause of her change in behavior was and he was eager to know while simultaneously dreading it. Was this the start of everything getting better or was it the start of where everything he feared was confirmed and they grew apart?

The look he gave her was almost disturbing but he steeled himself and dared to sit next to her, doing so slowly and carefully in case she objected in some way. "What are you meaning?"

  

[Amalia Qeb]

Amalia didn't know what was coming over her suddenly. The desire to tell him what had happened only increased when he took a seat next to her. She tensed ever so slightly, feeling like that was it. That was the moment where everything would change in their relationship - if there even would be after it all. But could she say the words? Could she say that a man had attacked her, taken from her something she'd only ever intended to give to Ozier for the rest of her life? He would surely think her disgusting for it all - any man would - but as Amalia turned to look him in the eye she had a hard time believing that Ozier was capable of being anything other than gentle and kind with her. For all that their relationship had been borne of less than ideal first meetings, he loved her, didn't he? And he was always gentle with her.

She heaved a resigned sort of sigh because she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't live as a stranger in her own home anymore, unable to give to Ozier the affection and love that she wanted to. If he ended things because of what had happened then that would be for the best, wouldn't it? And if not...if he stayed by her side then maybe they could move past it. But she couldn't live anymore with the weight on her shoulders, the shame and the fear. She felt as though she could cry again but she tried to keep it in. "I've not been honest with you..." Her voice was hardly above a whisper because she didn't truly want to say the words. She had to, yes, but she didn't revel in the idea that she'd have to say it out loud. Say that she had been hurt as she had.

  

[Ozier Qeb]

Not been honest? Ozier felt his stomach turn uncomfortably. This was it, this was the moment everything came out in the open, this is when he found out how close to the mark his fearful guesses and numerous conclusions had been. He almost wanted to get up and leave or at the very least block his ears so he couldn't hear, he didn't want to hear if he was going to hear how she had had a change of heart and she'd been lying to him every time she said she loved him, ignorance was bliss he would never be curious again.

Except he couldn't and he wouldn't, no matter how much his mind was screaming how little he wanted to hear what she might say. He waited anxiously to hear what she would say next, his eyes seeking her face out despite knowing his emotions were plain to see on his face. Fear, knowing, foreboding, concern, worry, curiosity...

  

[Amalia Qeb]

The look on his face made her wonder what it was he thought was wrong. She knew that he had to think something was wrong - her behavior had hardly been subtle - but it was the first time that she wondered if perhaps his thoughts were that he had done something wrong. Her brows knitted together slightly for a moment before she looked to her lap, each hand un-gripping from the edge of the couch and seeking the other to clasp together in her lap.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Amalia said this to herself in her thoughts as a mantra for a moment before she felt like she could even begin to tell him anything.

"Two months past," She started rather abruptly, not believing there was a graceful way to come clean about it no matter what. Her voice trembled slightly with her words and she bit her lips, twisting her hands together before clamping her eyes shut tight to keep from crying.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

"Something...happened." She said in an exhale, hands still twisting nervously against one another as she stared at them, unwilling to look him in the eye. She couldn't. "When I - " Her voice was trembling more, and she choked back a sob that threatened to undo all the progress she was making. "I was -" Again she had to try to hold back tears and her eyes that had opened clamped shut once more as she felt tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't say it to him - she couldn't say it at all. All she could do was cry.

  

[Ozier Qeb]

Ozier sat as still as he could as the feelings of trepidation washed over him. She was more visibly distressed than he was which made his fears double. She was trying to tell him, struggling in fact and it was so difficult for him to watch, not knowing what he could do or say, if anything.

The way she was speaking suggested some event took place when she disappeared - for a moment he considered the possibility that she had had some sort of a thing with another man but vehemently dismissed it. It wouldn't be the first time such a thought had crossed his mind but he told himself that Amalia wouldn't do that, he knew her better and if she had, then until and unless she told him then he'd believe nothing of the sort. It was easier that way but he truly did believe that she'd sooner tell him she no longer loved him than tell him she had been with another man and no longer loved him after the fact.

"You can tell me," he said slowly, tentatively. Whatever it was, he swore to himself he wouldn't react like however she feared he was going to, for she surely was afraid of telling him if she had waited so long and was clearly struggling to do so even now.

  

[Amalia Qeb]

His words broke a dam in her. She turned to him then, tears in her eyes, "How?" Her words were strained from trying to hold back sobs that were threatening to break free from her. "How can I tell you? How can I tell you that I was on my way home when some man - " she broke off, letting out a choked sob and covering her mouth. "He took me, Ozier! He took me and he - he did things." She said it all through her tears harriedly, not able to hold back the words because it was so hard to keep it a secret for as long as she had. Only Arthur knew and only because he'd seen the after effects of it all.

"I'm sorry, Ozier! I'm so sorry!" She buried her face in her hands then, sobbing because she felt so guilty. The man had used her and ruined her and made her entirely filthy that she could hardly believe any man would want her after that. She might as well have been broken goods then. And despite knowing that she ought to know better she couldn't help but fear that Ozier would throw her to the side.

  

[Ozier Qeb]

He wasn't prepared for just how much she was falling apart. He'd never seen her anything but strong, even when they had said their goodbyes, thinking it would be the last time they would ever see each other. It was then, even before she started to tell him what had befallen her, that he was suddenly struck by the sense that what she was about to reveal to him was serious. It was as if suddenly things were falling into place: her recent behavior, her distance, the look in her eyes, the way she couldn't seem to bear to be closer to him than arms length... She wasn't about to confess to him that she was feeling a little unsure of her choice, she wasn't going to say how she wanted to marry him before they continued in their relationship and she wasn't going to tell him her feelings were waning.

Then she said it. He almost felt physically ill at what he heard, not because she'd been with another man but because this person had imposed himself on her. She hadn't willingly gotten herself entangled with another man, some fiend had made her. He had always known that had someone done something so insidious to Bastet he'd see that the never walked again but he knew in that instant the same went for Amalia but it was all good and well wanting to shatter the man's legs but he had no idea who it was.

She was apologizing and he had no idea what to say, he was speechless and riddled with feelings he'd not been expecting. Ozier hesitated for a moment, almost used to second guessing his affectionate gestures around her before deciding that if he didn't embrace her, he'd regret it. "You are not faulted," he tried to assure her, struggling to comprehend what she'd just told him while trying to stay together for her sake. He wanted to say so much more, how he despised the man that did it, how he'd find him and force him to live his days out celibate and in a wheelchair, how he still loved her but he made do with conveying as much as he could in his embrace.

  

[Amalia Qeb]

She didn't flinch away from him when he embraced her, instead gripping onto him and crying further. He said it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault. Amalia felt great relief at his words, sobbing ever further and knowing that things weren't fixed but they were manageable now, weren't they? She could heal if she knew he didn't hate her, couldn't she? For as much as she felt a weight lifted off of her shoulders, the shame remained. She couldn't just make it go away but maybe it would be okay. Maybe someday she could get rid of it.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you..." She managed to get out the reply, forcing the tears away. She didn't want to cry anymore, she wanted to just revel in the fact that he wasn't going to leave her. "I love you...I just didn't know how to tell you." Her words were still uneven as she spoke them, her cheek pressed against his chest where she'd fallen into his embrace. She still wasn't sure where to go from there. She knew it wouldn't all be better all of a sudden but she hoped that maybe they could progress towards that.

  

[Ozier Qeb]

He was relieved beyond belief when she didn't push him away but held on to him, his grasp of her tightening. He'd never let her go, he'd never let something so awful happen to her again, he'd make sure no one ever touched her again, he'd become an animagus and follow her everywhere if he had to. He doubted he'd be able to become one but he'd do everything within his power to keep her safe. He'd failed once, he wouldn't fail twice.

"I love you too," he murmured in reply, struggling to keep his own eyes dry. "I sorry I could not keep you protected. I will not let happen again, I promise you." It was a steep promise, potentially one he couldn't keep without either stalking her or gluing himself to her or giving her some sort of entourage of body guards but he would do all he could. It would probably help if he could save up enough money so they could live in a slightly nicer part of town, that was at least a start. She'd never have been treated as she had if she hadn't given up her lifestyle for him.

Was he relieved that she wasn't going to tell him she no longer loved him? A small, selfish part of him felt yes but mostly no, no he'd trade all the love she had for him to undo what had been done to her.