10-05-2017, 03:22 AM
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10-05-2017, 03:31 AM
1 October 1887
I'm hopeless. I thought that writing him would get him out of my mind. I'd tell him how I feel and get those negative feelings out of my system and then be able to move on. And I did feel that, when I first owled him that letter. I thought that I was... clean. That I said everything I had to say.
I'm not so sure anymore. All night I thought about him and his letter and my letter and what else I could have said and how I could say some things differently.
I feel so hurt and broken and I don't think what I wrote him is enough. I don't think a letter is enough to say how I feel. If I think too much about it I feel so angry and hurt and I don't know if it's just towards him, but at myself, too, for not being wiser or stronger. At the situation in general.
I'm not so sure anymore. All night I thought about him and his letter and my letter and what else I could have said and how I could say some things differently.
I feel so hurt and broken and I don't think what I wrote him is enough. I don't think a letter is enough to say how I feel. If I think too much about it I feel so angry and hurt and I don't know if it's just towards him, but at myself, too, for not being wiser or stronger. At the situation in general.
10-05-2017, 03:43 AM
8 October 1887
He wrote to me. I was almost beginning to think that he wouldn't respond after what I sent him. After all, I didn't give him what he presumably wanted to hear. And it was almost a week since I sent it.
It's this big letter and he's explaining everything. Apparently his letter in August was a lie. All of it. He thought he was doing the right thing, at the moment. Making the 'right' decision for me because I'm apparently not capable of doing it for myself. He thought I "needed someone better". Someone like Ned, I presume, so I could live my life as a wealthy housewife which is what I'm "supposed to like".
I don't know what I like. I suppose that I wouldn't object to being happily married. Is it so bad to want that? I thought that we could have that. He didn't. He was afraid that I would entrap him into a marriage. Well, we never even had a chance to consider that, did we? All I wanted was for him to love me as much as I loved him and for us to be cute and happy like people are in the books. That's what I wanted.
It doesn't matter what I want, though. I had Reuben Crouch calling all the shots for me - and us. And now he's had his epiphany that he loves me and, I don't know. Maybe he expects for me to forgive him just like that and go back to where we were because he says so. Because it's always about him.
It's this big letter and he's explaining everything. Apparently his letter in August was a lie. All of it. He thought he was doing the right thing, at the moment. Making the 'right' decision for me because I'm apparently not capable of doing it for myself. He thought I "needed someone better". Someone like Ned, I presume, so I could live my life as a wealthy housewife which is what I'm "supposed to like".
I don't know what I like. I suppose that I wouldn't object to being happily married. Is it so bad to want that? I thought that we could have that. He didn't. He was afraid that I would entrap him into a marriage. Well, we never even had a chance to consider that, did we? All I wanted was for him to love me as much as I loved him and for us to be cute and happy like people are in the books. That's what I wanted.
It doesn't matter what I want, though. I had Reuben Crouch calling all the shots for me - and us. And now he's had his epiphany that he loves me and, I don't know. Maybe he expects for me to forgive him just like that and go back to where we were because he says so. Because it's always about him.
10-05-2017, 03:57 AM
9 October 1887
I still haven't got a response from him. I know that if I get one it won't be so soon. Still, I want to know that he read my letter. I want to know what he has to say about that.
The truth is, I couldn't stop thinking about him since yesterday, or since he wrote that first letter, really. I don't think I was ever capable of getting him out of my head. I thought that I was able to get over him, but I can't. At least before I had a good reason to hate him. Now... I hate him because he had to ruin everything. I think about it and I'm overcome with this sense of unfairness and anger - we could have been so good and he had to ruin it for us and I didn't even have any say in the matter. Or did I? I don't know. I suppose it's sort of my fault he's now in Canada but it's his fault for making me hate him in the first place.
The truth is, I couldn't stop thinking about him since yesterday, or since he wrote that first letter, really. I don't think I was ever capable of getting him out of my head. I thought that I was able to get over him, but I can't. At least before I had a good reason to hate him. Now... I hate him because he had to ruin everything. I think about it and I'm overcome with this sense of unfairness and anger - we could have been so good and he had to ruin it for us and I didn't even have any say in the matter. Or did I? I don't know. I suppose it's sort of my fault he's now in Canada but it's his fault for making me hate him in the first place.
10-05-2017, 04:09 AM
10 October 1887
I know that I'm weak for doing so but I read his last lines again. I also think about him all the time. I suppose we have that in common.
I wish he could have told me that two months ago. There is a part of me that wants to forgive him so badly and then another that is so angry that things had to end up this way. I wish we could undo things. I wish I didn't carry all this anger and hurt.
I wish he could have told me that two months ago. There is a part of me that wants to forgive him so badly and then another that is so angry that things had to end up this way. I wish we could undo things. I wish I didn't carry all this anger and hurt.
10-15-2017, 02:58 PM
15 October 1887
It's been five days and he still hasn't written back. Maybe he won't write back. He probably won't write back. I don't know why he would write back after what I sent him. I don't even remember what I sent him, but it was angry and discouraging and I suppose not getting any more letters from him should have been the goal. Still, I have this unsatiable desire for him to write back. It's like he's ignited a spark and while I don't want for it to turn into a proper fire, I don't want it to be extinguished either.
10-15-2017, 03:02 PM
16 October 1887
Still no letter.
I'm so hopeless. I should have more self respect than that. I thought about it and I told him about how he never bothered to get to know me. And here I am, waiting for a letter that will never arrive. He doesn't truly care about me, he doesn't want to get to know me, I'm no one for him. He probably wrote because he's lonely in Canada. Or maybe he's hoping to get back to my good graces so I make his brothers end his exile.
I'm so hopeless. I should have more self respect than that. I thought about it and I told him about how he never bothered to get to know me. And here I am, waiting for a letter that will never arrive. He doesn't truly care about me, he doesn't want to get to know me, I'm no one for him. He probably wrote because he's lonely in Canada. Or maybe he's hoping to get back to my good graces so I make his brothers end his exile.
10-15-2017, 03:13 PM
17 October 1887
He wrote back! He sounds really remorseful and like he truly wants to change and I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so foolish about my outburst yesterday. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions so quickly. Maybe he does want to change. Maybe things could be better this time...
I don't know. I feel as though forgiving him would be a mistake. At the same time, I'm not so convinced he's terrible anymore. Maybe he wants to change. Maybe this was all a mistake and by not letting him fix it I could be throwing my happiness away.
I'll write Cash.
I don't know. I feel as though forgiving him would be a mistake. At the same time, I'm not so convinced he's terrible anymore. Maybe he wants to change. Maybe this was all a mistake and by not letting him fix it I could be throwing my happiness away.
I'll write Cash.
