Firewhiskey Lulluby

[Torquil MacFusty]

Tor knew right where his brother was. He'd wallowed in the same pain for years, and as different as he had Tav had seemed at times deep down they were very much the same. They'd both fallen in love, and both of them had in some twisted way caused the deaths of their beloveds. From Tor's long experience, he knew only one thing really dulled the ache when it was bad.

He didn't bother knocking when he arrived at his brother's house; he simply went on in and strode through the halls until he found his twin. Only then did he stop and lean against the door frame. Tav looked like hell.

Tav was in hell.

"I brought us a li'l sommat," Tor said softly, lifting the full bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey he'd brought with him. "To drink to their memories." And to maybe dull the pain a little.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

Tavish had good days and bad days since she died. Technically, they were all terrible but there were some where he would quietly drink his sorrows away alone in his home (the bad days) and times when he actually went out and socialized (still drunk, but those days were better). As he was sat in his desk chair, legs propped on his desk and bottle of almost-empty firewhiskey in his hand, it was safe to assume that the day would be filed under the 'Bad Days' section when he looked back on them if he ever got over her death. He couldn't even think her name. And he certainly couldn't speak it.

He hardly acknowledged the sound of someone entering his home. He assumed it was family or maybe even Vera. It seemed like people liked to drop by to make sure he was still alive and most of the time he wished they wouldn't. Aside - of course - from Vera. If Vera stopped coming around he might cease to function at all. He almost hoped it was her but when he saw it was his twin he decided that it was a good enough alternative. Tor was perhaps the only family member he really wanted to see at the moment and only because he would at least understand what Tav was going through and why he was reacting the way he was. They had a sort of understanding that he doubted his other siblings - or even parents - would quite get.

Tav cringed slightly when Tor said drink to their memories. He didn't like to acknowledge that she was dead. Or that all he had were memories. He hated saying it aloud - he could hardly even say it in his head. But he nodded regardless. "Well then take a seat." He made a swooping motion with his hand, throwing back more of the firewhiskey he already had. "God knows Ah could use more firewhiskey." He forced a chuckle out of habit but he knew Tor would realize it wasn't sincere. He could hardly convince his twin he felt better than he did.

  

[Torquil MacFusty]

He saw the wince, and he recognized how drunk Tav already was. Tor figured that he might want to attempt to drink more of the bottle than he gave Tav, but he also knew that might not actually work. Well, best laid plans and all.

Tor took a moment to snag a couple of shot glasses, and then sat down opposite his twin. "Th' first year was hardest," he told his twin. "Ah kept thinkin' abit whit we waur supposed tae be daein'. Kept thinkin' abit th' life we waur supposed tae hae."

The actual anniversary of Calista's death had been hell, but he didn't say that. He just snagged the already open bottle from Tav, poured himself a shot, and downed it.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

If it had been anyone else, Tav would have told them to shut up. He didn't want to have a heart-to-heart or even broach the subject of his dead wife and child. He wanted to drink and pretend he was who he had been a year and a half prior - free spirited, without care and responsibilities and not saddled with the pesky realization that he was in love with two women simultaneously. But it wasn't anyone else. It was Tor, and Tor was his brother - even better, his twin. If there was anyone Tav would allow to even allude to the topic of his angst, it would be him. Even if he didn't like that his brother was now plucking the bottle of firewhiskey from his hand and pouring himself a shot.

He just gave a sort of grunt at his brothers words, being able to relate though he didn't want to admit it. He wasn't sure what to say in response. That he felt the same way? That Ethelyn should be on the last leg of her pregnancy now rather than having died giving birth prematurely? He knew that he'd had ideas on what his and Ethelyn's life would have been like. They would have had more children, they would have raised them with Kitten, sent them off to Hogwarts and introduced them to the life he'd had growing up with dragons and his large family. But none of that was to be. Ethelyn was dead. There baby was dead. They wouldn't have any children. They wouldn't have the life they should have. And it was all Tav's fault.

Taking the bottle he poured himself a shot and downed it quickly, a slight grimace on his face from the thoughts rather than the booze. He could handle the burn of the firewhiskey - it was almost unnoticeable to him now - but the way he felt when he thought of Ethelyn? That wasn't so easy to bear. "Ah dunnae know how ye did it." He hadn't really meant to say it - and certainly not as somberly - but he figured his twin wouldn't really care either way. He poured himself another shot regardless and again didn't hesitate to down it. If he was gonna talk to his twin and wallow in the dead-love-club then he was going to do it with copious amounts of alcohol.

  

[Torquil MacFusty]

The first shot of firewhiskey was like an old friend. Tor had done more than his share of drinking in the years since Calista's death. He poured himself a second and stared at it for a moment, trying to think of the best way to answer Tav's question.

"Ah drenk a lot. Cried more than Ah lit anyone ken. Ah could hae managed if anythin' else hud happened, but Ah should hae bin able tae protect 'er frae 'at. Ah was right thaur ..."

He took the shot and poured himself a third, then took that too. If he hadn't suggested that they sneak out onto the island, that a night under the stars would be romantic, then Calista would still be alive. It was that it was his fault that had nearly killed him ... but he didn't want to tell his twin how, on some nights alone he had considered driving himself onto his sword or throwing himself off the top of the towers of Lews Castle.

Tor hesitated over his fourth shot, staring into the warm amber liquid. "Time does help. Nae as much as fowk say it does, but it helps." He took the shot then and shook his head as if to settle himself. They were just a mess, both of them. Poor Ethylen ... and poor Tav.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

Crying. The mention of it made Tav wince as a vague memory of him sobbing in Vera's arms conjured itself in his mind. It had been the first he'd cried since she died. Seeing Vera had let it all loose. Tav tried not to make a habit out of crying but he'd be lying if he said - every now and again - that he didn't get fall-down drunk alone and cry. Being in the house where it happened did that to him. Being alone did that to him. Hell, anything could trigger it if it was placed just right. Tav hated it. He didn't even know he was capable of producing tears as he had over Ethelyn and little Rorie but there it was. The thought of their names made him wince. He hadn't told anyone the babe's name. He hadn't even really acknowledged it to himself.

"Ah'll ne'er get tae know him." He said it somberly, avoiding looking at his twin as he snatched the bottle of firewhiskey and poured another shot, downing it quickly. He didn't know why he was talking, even less why he was continuing. "Rorie was his name. It felt wrong, not tae name him." He hadn't even been alive. He'd never taken his first breath. He'd never given his first cry. And still it hadn't felt right not to give him a name. "Ethelyn wanted tae name him after ye. Rorie Connor MacFusty." It wasn't exactly after Tor but their middle names were the same. He downed another shot before looking at his twin, trying his damnedest not to shed any tears. He wasn't lost so far into grief that he couldn't have some dignity.

"Ah dornt 'hink any amount ay time will make it hurt less." His tone was carefully measured, jaw seeming to lock in place to keep from letting out any sort of sob or anymore words. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't. He didn't even want to think about it and yet the words came. He couldn't possibly see how it could ever hurt any less than it did in that moment. Didn't see how he'd ever be able to cope or manage or even slightly get over it. It seemed impossible and it made him wonder if that was what Tor had been dealing with every day since Calista died. He never thought anyone could hurt as much as he did in that moment, and yet there he was, fully aware of how much damage the heart could take.

  

[Torquil MacFusty]

A sort of far-away pain invaded Tor's eyes, and he took another shot, then another, and he poured himself a third. Calista ...

"It doesnae hurt less," Tor said softly. "It hurts jist as bad as it did th' day it happened. It jist gits farther awa', an' ye gie used tae hurtin' ..."

He had been in pain, deep, unrelenting pain, since Calista had died. He felt like half of himself had been ripped away, like there was a giant hole in his middle that nothing could fill. Calista ... he had meant her to be his wife. They had been engaged for four days when she had died. They had been together once, the night before she had died ... it had been the first time for both of them.

"Sometimes Ah think that's wa Ah cannae love Cecily, coz Ah am still in love wi' Calista, coz Ah'll aye be in love wi' 'er, an there's nae room fur anyain else."

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

Tav gave a sort of scoffing laugh that was devoid of any mirth at his brothers words. He needed another shot and wasted no time in pouring some, listening as his brother continued. It was no surprise to Tav that Tor wasn't in love with Cecily. They had gotten married because of the amortentia tea fiasco more or less and though Cecily was a gorgeous woman, Tav knew that Tor didn't love her. They were victims of circumstance and far as he could tell they were cordial but not loving.

He was lucky in that way, he guessed. It was maddening to be so in love with someone only to have them ripped away from you and while Tor had experienced that before it was long in the past and, well, he suspected Tor was more or less used to handling the sorrow of it now. Tav had a moment of giving his brother a look and wondering how he had ever not understood what Tor was feeling. He swiftly reminded himself that it was because he had never cared to dabble in emotions like that - and with apparently good reason, too.

Tav almost felt jealous that one woman could so thoroughly encompass Tor's love. He gave sort of snort of derision before speaking: "At least ye dornt love a hen who wants naethin' tae do wi' ye." Vera was reasonably angry with him. He had messed things up terribly and while she had made sure he didn't drunkenly impale himself on his sword she could hardly be any bit fond of him. And that made it worse. He had chosen Ethelyn for fear of things with Vera getting ruined because they were in love and then Ethelyn died and he was left with nothing. He took another shot, musing over that thought.

  

[Torquil MacFusty]

"Aye," Tor said with a sigh. The bottle was going quickly, maybe too quickly. The two of them had a fairly remarkable ability to put away whiskey, but Tor didn't want his twin slipping into the sort of drunkenness he had lived in for the months following Calista's death. Of course, Tav had always dealt with things differently than Tor; Tav was more liable to add a healthy dose of fucking in with his drinking and brooding.

"Vera'll come around eventually," Tor grunted before taking another shot. He nudged his twin in a half-hearted attempt at playfulness. "Yer irresistible, efter aw."

Tor was actually a little jealous of Tav, although he wouldn't dream of denying Tav any happiness he could find. Vera still might come around, and Tav wouldn't be alone anymore. So heartrendingly alone ...

"Rorie," he said with a shake of his head. "It's a guid name. Ah'm honored ... would hae bin honored. Did ye bury him beside his ma?"