La Petite Mort [M]

[Nolan Walsh]

Dinner was over, the children in bed, and everything had gone delightfully. Éabha and Seanán had seemed infinitely pleased for the extra attention Cassandra had provided and all in all Nolan thought the night to be rather successful. And then they were alone. Nolan didn't know why he was so nervous around Cassandra at that moment. Or perhaps he did. He knew that he wanted to take her to his room, to lie with her again but he also felt no short amount of guilt for wanting to do such. But they were already upstairs (he liked to put the twins down himself) and his room was just down the hall, seemingly drawing his attention every time he was trying to ignore that it was right there.

He feared it was terribly obvious. They were standing in the hallway, not far from the room they'd just exited, and he was faltering with his eyes moving of their own accord now and again to look at the area right before his bedroom door. He didn't want to offend her or - even worse - make her thinks he was only interested in her because she was willing to do that. But her earlier words replayed in his mind and he knew she did, indeed, desire him the same way he desired her. And really could it be so wrong? They were going to be wed - she knew they had a child that would be arriving in nine months time - and they were in love. If that wasn't the most honest expression of love one could give, then what was?

But still he could not simply propose they retire to his room. He could not find the courage to say it so instead he fixed his gaze upon her and wondered if she'd be able to figure out what he was thinking. She was a perceptive woman, perhaps he wouldn't have to say anything at all. Not that he'd be upset if the night didn't lead to that but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want the chance to explore her body properly. Their hasty union in the backroom of their workplace had not allowed for much intimacy, after all, and he did rather want to see her completely. Preferably in his bed, underneath him, though he was terribly ashamed to admit such a thing.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

The night had been perfect. Nolan's twins were delightful, and dinner had been lovely. All in all, Cassandra could not remember an evening that she had been happier, and now ... now they were standing together in the upper hall, neither of them really wanting to say what they both wanted. At least, she hoped that they still both wanted it; it would be incredibly awkward if Nolan had changed his mind.

Her earlier boldness aside, Cassandra was not the sort to shout her desires from the rooftops. She did want to be with Nolan again; her one experience was a rather hasty coupling in the back of Gladrag's, one which in addition to leaving her pregnant had also rendered her tentatively curious about what it might be like in a less hurried environment.

Like tonight, in Nolan's bed, where they would have all night.

She opened her mouth to suggest they retire, then closed it again. She had been bold enough to bring a nightgown and a change of clothes for the next day (both tidily tucked in a bag that seemed too small to hold them), but the idea of actually suggesting outright that they go to his bed had her blushing and tongue-tied.

Standing there in the hall, Cassandra glanced towards the door that she thought must be his. She could no more simply walk over and open the door than she could say that she wanted to be with him at this point. She opened her mouth again, this time managing to speak, if only briefly. "We should -- that is, we should --"

Cassandra broke off, red-faced, with her eyes flickering towards the door to what she assumed was Nolan's room. She tried a different way, hoping it would be easier to say. "I meant what I said earlier, when we were still at work."

  

[Nolan Walsh]

"I..." He started, not even sure what he wanted to say, before she added affirmation that she did want what he did to which he responded simply with "Oh." It was rather ungraceful of him and he made hastily to amend his words lest she think he didn't want the same. "I mean...if you want to then..." His words were spoken quickly before he gave a slight sigh of frustration and took her hand in his. "My bedroom is this way." He finally managed, words soft and quiet and full of all the nervousness he was feeling. Because he was nervous. He'd be seeing Cassandra completely undressed if things went the way he thought they'd be going and...he'd only ever seen Elizabeth like that.

He pushed the thought of her out of his head because the last thing he wanted was to think of her while he was with Cassandra. Cassandra didn't deserve for him to have even the briefest thought of that traitorous harlot while in her company. No, his every thought when he was with her should have been of her only. And so as he made to move towards his room, tugging her along gently, he made sure to get rid of any thought of Elizabeth. Because he didn't want to think about her. He wanted to direct all of his attention to Cassandra and that was just what he was going to do.

When they arrived to the door to his room, he opened it and pulled them inside, shutting the door behind them. It was awkward, being there in his room, and he rocked on his heels slightly. "So..." He started awkwardly because he didn't know how to initiate things. It was usually Elizabeth who had initiated such things. And he was trying so terribly to never think of her again - especially not when he had Cassandra, there in his room and apparently wishing to do the same things he was.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

Inside his room, Cassandra bit her lip nervously and let her little bag slide to the ground. It was a practical thing with its expansion charm, and -- and she did not really want to be thinking about bags right now. She wanted to be thinking about Nolan, and about doing the things that they had done in the back room at work except doing them properly.

They were both standing there as though unsure what to do, which made Cassandra even more nervous; after all, Nolan was the one who had been married before, and had children, and so certainly he had some idea what he was about. He had certainly seemed to know what he was doing less than a week before. How hand they --

Cassandra flushed bright red, remembering exactly how that had gotten started. Looking up at Nolan with an expression that was equal parts nerves and trust, Cassandra undid the first few buttons down the front of her bodice so that the rounded tops of her breasts showed and then went up on her toes to kiss Nolan tentatively.

  

[Nolan Walsh]

Oh. Nolan wasn't entirely certain why it was any bit shocking at all when she undid the first few buttons of her bodice - or why he was so damned excited by her tentative kiss - but he was and there was no doubting in his mind that they had the same things on their minds. It was infinitely more nerve wracking than it had been in Gladrag's because this felt more...intimate. Probably because it wouldn't be hastily done on a table in the backroom of their workplace. They'd have time to take it slowly, to explore one another and that prospect was entirely terrifying. But he wanted to be with her. He wanted to explore every curve of her body and kiss every spot on her body. He wanted to make love to her the way they should have the first time. It should have been perfect but the most he could do was see that it was perfect that time around. If he could settle his nerves, that was.

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him as he kissed her back with less tentativeness than she'd kissed him. There was still some nerves that would surely show in his kiss but he didn't want to let them get the better of him. He wanted to be with Cassandra, to show her that he adored every bit of her in ways he couldn't articulate into words. He wasn't sure he'd succeed. He was far from being some charming man at such things but he wasn't entirely naive to such things. He could try. And he would try to the best of his ability to make this night pleasurable for her because he truly did adore her. She was everything he wanted and just had never known he'd wanted until recently.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

His kiss was wonderful, and Cassandra was quite glad to press herself ever so lightly forward against him. It was so different than it had been in the back room -- far more deliberate, less as though it was a near accident. A lovely accident to be sure, but still an accident.

A hand slid up to stroke his hair softly; he really did have the most glorious hair. If they had a daughter with that hair -- and she was blushing again, and pulled back from the kiss slightly. If they wanted to do more than kiss, they were going to have to undress at some point. The idea of Nolan seeing her in her skin was both terrifying and exhilarating, like so much about this was.

"I love you," she said softly, repeating her earlier declaration with a little more certainty. Just like the difference between their first time doing that and what was going to come tonight, the words were far more deliberate the second time. She had never said those words to anyone else outside her family, and she did not think that she ever would.

At least those words she was confident about; she was much less certain about how to continue what they were trying to begin. She did not even know if she should continue undressing -- and the very thought made her cheeks flame! -- or if she should let Nolan do it -- if it was possible, her blush brightened. "I love you, and I trust you."

  

[Nolan Walsh]

Her words caused a smile on his face. He didn't know what he'd done to earn her love or trust but he was infinitely pleased that he'd done it. He still wasn't entirely sure how to proceed. He figured undressing was probably the best next step but the thought of doing such brought a blush to his cheeks. How did he even go about that? Should he undress himself and let her undress herself? Or should he undress her? But then she'd be nude before he was and ... Nolan wasn't entirely certain he could stop his hands from shaking with nerves long enough to undress her but wasn't it more romantic that way? He didn't want the situation to be some awkward thing where they shot nervous glances at one another while attempting to undress but that seemed the preferable step to him actually having to undress her with his own hands, if only for the fact that he was terribly nervous about seeing her without any clothes on.

So he took only the slightest step away from her, bending down to kiss her lips softly, before he began working on his own clothing. It was with no short amount of hesitance that he did away with his frock coat, working on waistcoat shortly thereafter and feeling infinitely nervous for when he got to his shirt proper because then she'd see him and he wasn't terribly impressive but he supposed there was no turning back. Not that he'd really want to turn back but...well, he still didn't want her to think him strange looking with no clothes on. After all that was not terribly conducive to what they were trying to achieve and...Nolan tried to stop thinking as he continued to work on undressing, fully expecting she'd do the same. It would be, after all, terribly awkward if he was standing around in the buff with her fully clothed.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

At least his next actions answered her question; as Nolan began undressing, Cassandra turned away slightly and continued undoing her bodice before working on her other garments. It was somewhat worrying that women had so many more layers of garments than men did; Nolan was going to be undressed first and he'd be able to watch her finish undressing. She glanced over nervously as she worked on her undergarments, intending to see how far along Nolan was; her eyes widened when she saw he was nude from the waist up. The last male she'd seen without a shirt was Leo, and he had been far younger and her brother besides. Nolan had scars, old scars about his neck and shoulders and clavicles that she had not expected, and the most fascinating line to his hip.

Blushing hotly, Cassandra averted her eyes and went about the process of disrobing; she both did and did not want to see Nolan watching her as she was certain he must be by the end, and her shyness forced her to err on the side of not looking. She had barely been able to look away from him; certainly he was watching her take off the last of her clothing.

Then she was unclothed, and she shyly reached up to let her hair down. It was nowhere near as spectacular as Nolan's; it was far shorter, falling only to her shoulders, and her curls were nowhere near as silky. Then, finally in her most natural state, Cassandra shyly peeked up at Nolan.

  

[Nolan Walsh]

Nolan tried not to watch her as she undressed herself. It made him feel almost guilty, to be casting glances up at her here and there, waiting to see as more of her skin was exposed to him. He tried to focus on his desire to see her rather than the fact that she'd see him. He had no short amount of scars - the most prominent of which being from when he was attacked by the werewolf - and he didn't find himself to be an overly impressive specimen even despite that. So instead he thought of her, what she would look like, as he continued to undress himself until they both stood there naked as the day they were born.

When he looked at Cassandra - eyes roaming over her body as he blushed - he noticed that she was peeking rather shyly up at him and he blushed further. He was feeling an odd mix of being highly nervous with no short amount of excitement mixed in. Nervous because he was naked in the same vicinity as Cassandra and excited because, well, Cassandra was naked. And she was gorgeous. Nolan's body moved of its own accord, taking a step closer to her as his hand reached out the trace the curve of her waist softly. She was entirely too beautiful to be real and for a moment he wondered if he wasn't dreaming.

He took her in his arms then, leaning down to capture her lips and trying not to think overmuch on the fact that her body was pressed against his though his body was not so easily ignoring the situation. Kissing her seemed to help his nerves - he'd done this before and surely he could do it again without messing up disastrously as he was so prone to doing when he was nervous. He would try his damnedest to not mess up, however. He loved Cassandra and he should hate to make her think he was the fool that he most assuredly was.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

She was not sure what to make of the scars; they were not at all unattractive, but they did seem to highlight that there as still a great deal she did not know about Nolan.

She gasped softly as his hand ran over her waist. Then he was kissing her again, their bodies far closer together than she could quite fathom, skin brushing skin. Her fingers went to trace that enticing line on his hip, leading down towards --

Her fingers did not go there, instead going back up to his side. He was so much taller than she was; she felt positively tiny. Tiny, delicate, feminine. The feeling was both disquieting and thrilling. She pressed closer to him, gasping softly against his lips; there was so much skin touching skin, his skin touching hers.

  

[Nolan Walsh]

He'd be lying if he said the feel of her skin against his wasn't entirely maddening. But it was in the best way possible and as her hands touched over his hip and then back up he couldn't help but give a little gasp that was so terribly unmanly because Elizabeth had never touched him quite so softly. He pushed all thoughts of her out of his mind, however, and it was easy to do as he was so entangled in the feel of her body against his.

Nolan could never be accused of being the most graceful man in the world but he was rather impressed with how he'd managed to get them closer to the bed, lying her down gently and moving his lips from her mouth to her jawline then to her neck, hands tracing rather softly against the curves of her waist then tentatively upwards.

He didn't know how it was that he felt somehow less nervous. He figured it was trying to ignore everything else and just focus on the gorgeous woman who was on his bed. Or maybe, for once, he wouldn't be messing something up.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

This was entirely unlike their other time together; as Nolan lowered her gently onto the bed and took his place on top of her, Cassandra was overcome with a feeling of rightness. She gasped as he kissed her jaw, her neck, his hands gently exploring her sides and then higher, onto her ribcage.

She needed to do something, but she was uncertain what. After a moment she slid her hands down to his hips, her thumbs sliding lightly back and forth along those fascinating lines, the ones that made a V pointing down to -- she was far too shy to try exploring there, or even looking at it without cloth safely covering it, but she was suddenly very aware of what was there. She was very aware of what was going to happen, and felt an odd fluttering of tension deep in the pit of her stomach.

"Oh, Nolan," she said, his name half a gasp and half a sigh; without thinking, she arched her body up towards his.

  

[Nolan Walsh]

Her reaction to his touch made it difficult to keep focused. It was ridiculous, he thought idly, that he needed any focus to keep from going crazy. But he did and he thought it was for the better. Because he didn't want that night to be like it'd been at Gladrags. He wanted to take his time with her and show her how much he adored every bit of her.

It was difficult not to think of the times he'd done this before - with Elizabeth - as his hands roamed her body in places he'd only touched his soon-to-be ex-wife before. He hated to think of Elizabeth. Wanted her as far from his mind as he could get because he loved Cassandra. But he was also trying to remember all the things his traitorous wife had told him and came to the conclusion that her presence in his thoughts were not in any way that would distract him from the gorgeous woman beneath him. If anything he hoped his thoughts might prove useful. He certainly hoped they would.

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

Oh. Nolan's hands, his lips -- Cassandra could not think about what she was supposed to do, because what Nolan was doing was completely overwhelming. Each sensation seemed like the height of what could be experienced, more so after they joined together, until --

The tension that that had been coiling in her core shattered, an she found the real height of what she could feel. It was beautiful, wonderful, intense -- too much. It was far too much.

Cassandra went limp on bed, her world going dark.

  

[Nolan Walsh]

Everything had been going so splendidly. Nolan should have known that it would go wrong at some point. He was acutely aware of her body going a bit slack and how her eyes shut and. Nolan instantly stopped and felt a feeling of dread overcome him. If he wasn't aware of the rise and fall of her chest he might have thought she was dead and though the situation wasn't ideal at least he hadn't killed her. He jumped off the bed instantly, flailing a bit and unsure what to do before he sat on the side, leaning over her and holding her face in his hand, calling her name.

"Cassandra?" His voice was broken and he was just about to have an absolute fit of anxiety and fear because what did he do? He moved his hand and looked around as if he could see some sign of what he ought to do if he looked around and Nolan gave a slight whimper because he had no idea what to do. Thankfully it seemed as though her eyes were opening and she was coming to and Nolan gave the most dramatic sigh of relief. "Oh thank Merlin you're alright! I thought I broke you!" It sounded ridiculous even to his own ears but he hardly cared. "Are you alright? Do you feel sick? Is something wrong? If you were feeling ill I wouldn't have touched you! You should have told me!" His words were a rush because he was fearing she'd only consented to lying with him because she thought it was what he wanted. And while he did he would have not done a thing had she just told him she was feeling ill!

  

[Cassandra Trelawney I]

It wasn't long before Cass came to. Her body felt oddly limp still, and she gasped as an aftershock of the thing which had overtaken her shoot through her. "Oh. Oh, what was -- is -- oh!"

She couldn't understand why he thought she might be sick; Cassandra had never experienced something so wonderful in her life. She was trembling with the aftershocks of it, and while she was not feeling at all like she was in danger of fainting again she kept finding herself overtaken by the sheer feeling. "I'm not sick at -- oh! -- not at all," she managed. It seemed to be fading, each wave weaker but still amazing. "What is this, it's -- oh, amazing." There was simply no other word for it.