Regrets Collect

[Abraham Aesalon]

Abe would never understand a woman's infatuation with the concept of being in love. She had experienced it first hand and it had been a bloody difficult affair so far - filled with much more agony than joy. But perhaps her situation was a bit different. She had been reunited with her first love only to find another love that was so very different and more than likely worse for her. She didn't at all understand why a woman would actually want two men to be in love with her. It wasn't at all fun - it was heart wrenching. Because she had to hurt one of them and she knew that neither of them deserved to be hurt because of someon like her. But now that she had more or less chosen Eze, she had to break Ezra's heart. And that was something unthinkable for her.

It hadn't been a plan of hers to break her engagement to Ezra. But when she'd told Eze about her engagement she'd realized she was in love with him too. And that had gotten her thinking. Even then, she hadn't planned on leaving Ezra. But when she saw Eze that day, any bit of conviction she had to honor her promise to Ezra was wiped away and she'd ended up giving herself to Eze in a way that Ezra most certainly couldn't forgive her for. And she was almost glad of that fact. Because at the end of the day, she'd never feel good enough for Ezra. She'd always feel like she would have to change to be better for him, even though he never asked such a thing of her. It was her own problem - Ezra was perfect, but that was the problem. She couldn't find a flaw in him and that was what made her love for him so much more difficult and painful than what she had with Eze - a man who was easily as messed up as she was.

All these thoughts and more were running through her mind as she walked to the Slums, dressed once more in Leo's hand-me-downs. She had taken to wearing dresses that her mom chose since she became engaged to Ezra in an effort to become more worthy of him, but if she was going to break things off she wanted to do it as herself. Not as who she thought she should be for Ezra. Maybe then he'd see how unsuitable she was and - with any luck - wouldn't be too hurt over what she had to say to him. She couldn't fathom why anyone would be hurt over losing her. She was a terrible person, easily, and loving her seemed like it was the worst idea for anyone to do ever. But he was so kind, so loving that he was the type of person that could love her. Even if she couldn't understand why.

She took in a deep breath before she approached the door to his flat. This was it. This was where she would tell Ezra what had happened. Return the pocket watch of his that she'd managed to break and possibly rip out his heart. The feeling of dread settled in her stomach, but she would not and could not do this. Because Ezra deserved better than her and her unfaithfulness. And she knew that she'd always think of Eze even with him because Eze was the best she deserved. Ezra was far too good for her. When she finally knocked on the door and he answered, she gave him a sorrowful kind of smile and entered his flat. "I've got something to tell you." She said it hesitantly. She didn't want to hurt him.

  

[Ezra Fairclough]

Ezra was tense since receiving Abe's owl this morning. It deeply concerned him as she hadn't answered his question in the letter. It must have been far too important to say in writing, but Ezra could only wonder what the matter was. He did his best to keep the most obvious and nagging thought at bay: Abe wanted to end their engagement. It seemed to be the only rational answer, but Ezra ignored it the best he could. Why would she want to end their engagement anyway? She had been so happy when he asked her and never did he see a look of concern or hesitation from her.


Maybe she wanted to discuss wedding plans instead? Maybe she needed to vent about the insanity of her mother during this whole affair? Maybe she simply missed him? Ezra shook his head. Abe wasn't the one to simply write a letter like that because she missed him; and neither of the other two possibilities seemed likely either. If Freya was driving Abe up the wall, Abe would have simply wrote him, asking to come overùto escape her mother's madness for a few hours.


Ezra found the whole situation aggravating. His walking blindly into the important conversation left him antsy. He was also anxious to see Abe again, as he hadn't seen hide or hair of her since their engagement. They hadn't even written to each other since their engagement, but Ezra had been busy trying to secure a new job. As an Apothecary employee, he managed to get by on his own, but he would soon be feeding two mouths rather than one. He required a better paying position. For the past two weeks he had been working as the new manager of the Owl Emporium. He had been nervous at first, but after learning the ropes he felt much more certain of himself. He certainly was able to comfortably provide for two people with this job. He had meant to write Abe and tell her the good news, but with his new position came less time for free time. Today was his first day off since he started. He was quite tired, but with the promise of seeing his fiancÚe he was quite awake.


A knock finally came at the door and Ezra bounced up from his quaint little couch and, setting his book down on the arm of the furniture, he walked to the door. Opening it, he greeted his fiancÚe with a bright and happy smile (though the concern in his eyes was unavoidably obvious). Her sad smile was none too reassuring and the concern in his eyes quickly spread to his face. Silently, he invited her into his flat. Her voice was hesitant and low. Ezra immediately knew that that first dreadful possibility was the likeliest now. She was having regrets; she was having second thoughts. This happily ever after would quickly end most unhappily.


Ezra did his best to keep the mood pleasant. Although he was fairly certain of what was coming, he didn't want to believe it. He wanted to hear it from herùnot from his own mind.


"Well, let's sit down and talk about it over a cup of tea, shall we? It is quite cold outside, after all," he asked with a small smile. He escorted her to the couch he had been sitting in. He already had a kettle over the stove, heating the water. "Would you like cream and sugar in your tea, my dear?"

  

[Abraham Aesalon]

She allowed herself to be led over to the couch and took a seat. He must have known that something unsavory was about to happen - the concern on his face was visible as were his attempts to make it seem like everything was just fine. She hated this. She hated it so much. But she couldn't just pretend like everything was fine. She was bad at lying, for one, and just the thought of ignoring the fact that she slept with Eze and carrying on made her sick. Because she knew Ezra deserved more. And because she wanted to be with Eze - she didn't figure that would change any. She still loved Ezra. She supposed she always would if what they said about first love was true. But Eze made more sense to her. Because she would be holding Ezra back and also feeling as though she had to change constantly. And that was not a good thing to have in a marriage - she knew that much.

"Just a bit of sugar, please." She said it as she clasped her hands between her knees. She doubted she'd touch the tea. She couldn't imagine nonchalantly sipping tea then dropping that bombshell on him: Oh by the way I had a prigging session with Ezekial so I can't marry you. That didn't seem at all like it would go over well and though she was sure he'd hate her, she didn't want to seem like a completely heartless girl. Because this was painful for her too. She knew it was all her fault though. She'd been stupid and naive and it was all because of her that he would be hurting soon. But with any luck he'd soon realize that she wasn't worth it. That she was just garbage and that he was better off without her as a wife. Because she would make a terrible wife - she knew that. There were many reasons why they wouldn't work, even if they did love one another.

She didn't know how to handle this situation. On one hand she thought she should see how he had been doing. It had been a while since they'd had a chance to talk. She'd been busy with work and dealing with Freya's over-excitement and he had work too. They didn't have time to spend frivolously in one another's company. But on the other it seemed wrong to prolong telling him. To give him notice that she cared about him only to break their engagement. But she also didn't want to just jump into it because she was an avoider. She avoided things as long as she could. It was her flaw and she was starting to notice it more and more. This was just difficult. She wished she could just say it and be done but the thought made her stomach wrench.

When he finished preparing the tea and came over to her she took the cup and thanked him. She sat it down on the table and looked around, anything to avoid having to say out loud that she'd done something terrible to him. She took in a deep breath. This was the last time she'd be with Ezra and that hurt her but she knew she couldn't expect - or even ask him - to remain her friend after this. She wouldn't remain his if the roles were reversed, after all. But just because she knew that didn't mean that she had become miraculously okay with the fact that they would no longer talk and just be around one another. She was definitely not okay with that.

BTW PRIGGING IS SEX.

  

[Ezra Fairclough]

Ezra quietly prepared the tea. He didn't know what to say, though he did have a lot to tell her. It seemed senseless to say anything until she told him her piece. He knew the engagement was going to end. He knew that was her reason for coming her. The knowledge flooded his mind like water breaking through a dam. It was certain: certain and unavoidable. He felt sadness and anger washed over him. His mind raced as to why. Why would she want to break off the engagement? She seemed so happy! Was there someone else? The thought made him stiffen. He didn't risk looking over his shoulder at her. He had been gone for a long timeùlong enough for her to have met someone elseà If she had met someone, why did she never say?


Sighing, Ezra finished the teas and walked back towards the couch. Before seating himself, he handed the tea to his fiancÚe, who he was certain would soon become no more than a sad memory to his history. She took it and thanked him politely. He smiled sadly and took a seat beside her. He sipped his tea lightly before setting it down. He wanted to take Abe's hand, but he didn't think that would help anything. It would make things harder for the both of them. It would make it harder for Abe to tell him and it would make it harder for Ezra to let go.


He sat, instead, with his hands in his lap, not sure what else to do with them. "What do you have to tell me?" he asked finally.

  

[Abraham Aesalon]

There was no way he didn't know. It was written all over his body language that he knew that she was going to end things. But she owed him an explanation. She owed him that. Because maybe then, if he saw how terrible she was, it would be easier for him to forget about her. Because you won't miss someone as bad if they're a terrible person that isn't worthy of being missed, right? She sighed and avoided looking at him. "I suppose you've guessed why I'm here." She said it with a heavy heart. He wasn't stupid. And she was bad at concealing things so it had to be obvious that something was amiss. She just wished she could have given him the happiness that he deserved. But she messed up everything she touched and he could do much better than her.

"I owe you an explanation regardless." She took the pocket watch that was no longer working out of her pocket. Staring at it for a moment she finally got up the courage to look at him and she placed it in his hand gently, only letting her hand linger on his for a moment. "I broke it...I'll pay to replace it or have it fixed but it isn't working properly right now." It seemed terrible that she'd broke both his heart and his favor and was now handing them both back to him. She was a terrible person, she knew that. She knew that more than anyone could ever guess. She didn't know how to make things work or how to keep from messing things up. She was worthless and he would be better off without her. This was for his own good.

She pulled back and looked away again. The silence was nearly unbearable as she tried to think of how to approach the subject. "I'm a terrible person, Ezra. I mess things up and I'm angry and I don't like feelings and other such things." She said it and risked a look at him. "I would be a terrible wife and you deserve better than anything I could ever offer you." She wanted him to know that - to know that she didn't hate him. That it wasn't his fault that she had to break off the engagement. It was all her. She was the one that was messed up and unlovable. She was the one that had the problem. He was great and perfect and he was not at all the reason that she couldn't marry him.

"You are not to blame for this...I -" she started. This was it. She was going to say it. She was going to tell him that she'd done something unforgivable. "I did something terrible to you. Unforgivable." She looked down at her hands that she was wringing together. "I'm sorry...Ezra I can't marry you. Not after what I did. Not after..." She trailed off. She didn't want to say Not after I realized that I'm in love with another. So she closed her mouth and very hesitantly risked looking at him. She didn't like this at all. She really, really didn't like this.

  

[Ezra Fairclough]

The opening of her speech was the final confirmation. Their engagement was over. It was finished; it was done. There was no restoring it. Their "happily ever after" was never meant to be. Ezra sighed and closed his eyes. He knew it, but it still hurt. Part of him had clung to the hope that it wasn't true, but Abe confirmed it. He didn't say anything and he couldn't look at her. There was sadness, but there was also rage. Inexcusable rage that he was mustering to control. He didn't want to hear her excuses or explanations; he wanted her out! That was his temper rising, but he held it at bay. He sat with a clenched jaw, keeping his mouth tightly shut until she had finished.


When she returned him his favor, he opened his hand to receive it. He looked at the watch with sad eyes. He wondered how she managed to break it, but kept silent. He didn't have anything pleasant to say, after all. If he attempted to speak, he was sure that he would show her a side of him he never wished for her to see. He clutched the watch in his hand and continued to sit quietly beside his former fiancÚe.


She seemed to be trying to make him feel better by showing what a horrible person she was, but it didn't make him feel better. It made him angry, yes, but not in the right way. He wanted to tell her that she was being stupid; that nobody was perfect; that no one was more deserving or less deserving of something. He knew she wouldn't listen though. She seemed set in her opinion of herself. She was so selfish and so narrow-minded.


She couldn't finish what she had come to tell him, but he could easily guess. "You're in love with someone else, aren't you?" he asked quietly, finally raising his eyes to meet hers. He didn't need a confirmation; he knew what the answer was. The fact was written all over her pretty face. He knew that she wasn't simply in love with another man either; he could tell that things had gone further than a simple declaration.


"Well, Miss Trelawney, I suppose there's not much left to say." He voice was tight and controlled. "I thank you for telling me and, yes, you were right: I cannot in good conscience allow our engagement to continue. I wouldn't want to marry a woman who was in love with someone else." Ezra rose from his seat on the couch and managed a strained smile. "I wish you and your beau all the happiness in the world.


"And please don't bother with the watch. I'll see that it gets fixed. It may take some time, but I'll see that it gets fixed." He stuffed the watch in his pocket. It was amazing how quickly his desire to see Abe shifted to getting rid of her. He was hurt and he was having trouble keeping his temper in check. He wanted to say so many other things to her. He wouldn't torment himself with asking her "how long?" or "when?" because she had obviously loved this fellow a long time and the event obviously took place after Ezra and her engagement.


"I hope you'll pardon my rudeness, Miss Trelawney, but I must request that you leave. Iùdon't want to see youùever again." His voice broke slightly and he felt the tears moistening his eyes. "Please, go."

  

[Abraham Aesalon]

And that was it. She tried not to flinch at his tone, at the way he called her Miss Trelawney. But she knew she didn't deserve any better because she was hurting him. He had every right to yell at her and call her a harlot and he didn't. And that was something that just showed how he was too good for her. Because were she in his shoes, she would not have been so cordial. She almost wished he would yell at her. She deserved it. But would it make him feel better? Probably not. She knew time would be the only thing that could make him feel better and she hoped that it would also make him realize that this really was for the best.

She wanted to tell him that it was once - that she hadn't meant to deceive him. That she hadn't been planning it. She really had stayed away from Eze after their engagement, planned on cutting ties. But then she realized that she loved him. And then it happened. She wouldn't say she couldn't stop it - she could have. But she didn't And that was on her. She did betray his trust knowingly and she knew that. But this was still painful to her as well. This was not at all what she'd imagined her first love to end like. She had fully thought she and Ezra would be happy together and then she started to get closer to Eze and then she fell in love with him too.

"I really am sorry." She said it in a half-hearted tone as she stood, not bothering to linger because she had no right. She walked over to the door and gave him one last quick glance before she exited. She didn't know what she felt in that moment. She didn't relish hurting him in the least but it was better that she did so before he continued on thinking that she would marry him. This was for the best. Time would show that.