Placing Blame [M-ish]

[Jack Collins]

March 13th, 1883

Jack hadn't slept, he'd barely laid down for pacing his study all night. Back and forth, back and forth, trying and failing to comprehend what had happened. He couldn't even begin to fathom what was going through Maggie's mind yesterday, it was beyond his realm of understanding. They had taken vows, an oath to be faithful to one another and she shattered them.

The sad part was that Jack blamed himself.

Of course it was his fault. He'd realized that somewhere around three in the morning that somehow this was his fault. He'd rushed her into the elopement, he hadn't been affectionate enough, they hadn't even consummated their marriage for crying out loud, no wonder she was looking for affection elsewhere! It ate at him almost as much as the frustration he was feeling toward Maggie. He was still angry on some level and it balanced out the guilt, but he needed to look her in the eye to know if he could ever trust her again.

Classes had been a painful experience and his students probably noticed, but hopefully they blamed his leg or something, anything other than the fact that he was falling apart at the seams. He'd barely made it through, did his hall duty, checked into the Great Hall just to be sure he wasn't needed anywhere else and then he took off for home. Going to the school had been a good choice, as much as it made him feel like a coward, he'd needed the space and time to think.

As soon as he got home, the nerves started. He stood on the doorstep for longer than he realized, probably looking like an idiot, but he needed to work up to opening the door. Finally he did, on a whim that hit him in the same moment as the regret for doing so. Jack had no idea what to say, how to articulate what he was feeling, the conflicting emotions, but he knew they had to talk. "Maggie?" He called out hesitantly, wondering if she was in fact, home.

  

[Magdelena Collins]

For the past twenty-four hours Magdelena had been in motion. Every room (with the exception of Jack's office and their bedroom) was sparkling clean. She hadn't eaten--couldn't eat even if she wanted to--hadn't slept, hadn't cried. She'd simply cleaned and talked to herself until she was too exhausted to move. "Jack is going to come back," Maggie muttered throughout the night as she scrubbed the floors, "He's going to come back, and I'm going to be right here waiting."á

But then sun rose. Night moved into morning, morning progressed into afternoon, and afternoon had sunk into morning. Nothing changed, and Jack hadn't come home.

As she sat on the kitchen floor with her knees pressed to her chest, Maggie willed herself to wake up from this horrifying nightmare. Kissing Ben had been her biggest mistake, and Maggie constantly made mistakes. Ben was a bigger mistake than Tiberius, because not only did she lose her best friend as a result, but she lost her husband's trust as well. This was all a mess, one giant mess that Maggie wasn't sure if she was capable of cleaning up.

"Maggie?" Jack's voice rang out, and for a moment Maggie thought she was imagining things. Was he really back? Did he still want her? Getting up and moving into the very same doorway Jack had been in yesterday when she'd come home, Maggie resisted the urge to hug him. He may be home, but he didn't want her touching him.á

"You...you came back. I wasn't sure if you would." áMaggie voice wavered, and she tried to maintain her gaze on Jack. "I didn't...I didn't cook...are - This is all my fault. I shouldn't have gone and ... I understand if you want...if you want to divorce me." Maggie couldn't continue looking at him as she spoke. Her heart was shattered inside her chest, and she couldn't imagine a life without Jack. She couldn't--didn't want to--live without Jack. "I-I don't want to, but what I want...what I want shouldn't matter. I ... this is all my fault."

  

[Jack Collins]

Jack sighed, setting down his bag of papers to grade by the door of his office. This was fucked up, beyond fucked up and he wasn't sure what to do. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised on some level. It wasn't as if getting married could fix their problems, which they had plenty of apparently.

Cringing when she mentioned divorce, Jack would be lying if the thought hadn't crossed his mind. He'd thrown the idea out as soon as it came however. Despite her indiscretions, Jack wasn't entire sure he wanted to give up after just two weeks of marriage. "Of course I came back, I needed time and space to think." He had needed to figure out what to say, how to express what he was feeling, and even after an entire night of thinking, nothing had come to him. He'd been able to sort out his feelings to a point, but there still needed to be a discussion.

Her fault, Jack had no idea who's fault this was any more, his, her's, Bennett's. He wasn't sure placing blame was going to solve anything at this point. "We need to figure out what to do from here, Maggie I need to know I can trust you. Otherwise I have no idea what to do." He admitted, quite honestly. Trust was his big issue in this. She'd broken his trust and if he couldn't trust her, he couldn't be with her. This was a miserable situation he never thought he would find himself in. The fact that she'd told him rang in his head as some act of valor, though he couldn't say if he was better off not knowing.

  

[Magdelena Collins]

She didn't move even as Jack did. Maggie wanted to walk up to him and wrap her arms around him. She wanted to somehow prove he was the only important man in her life. She wanted to go back forty-eight hours to when Jack was holding her in bed whispering about how Bennet would be okay. But Jack wouldn't do so ever again. Jack would have to be a madman to ever allow Maggie near Ben again.

"I already sent Bennet a letter. I-I ended my friendship with him. He was my best friend, and I gave him up because I want to fix things with you. If that doesn't...I...I don't know what else to do other than not be friends with him anymore." The letter had killed Maggie to write. For every word she wrote there were ten tears to match it. Bennet had been her closest friend for as long as she could remember, he'd been someone Maggie knew she could rely on.á

And now it vaguely felt like she cut off her right hand.á

Taking small steps so she wasn't necessarily close to him, but wasn't as far either, Maggie folded and unfolded her arms across her chest. "I ... I'll do whatever you need me to. I won't leave the house if that's what you told me to. I won't talk to anyone, or I will. I'll do whatever I can to prove to you that this will never happen again." She wanted to add "I love you", but somehow that didn't seem fitting.

  

[Jack Collins]

To say he was surprised to hear that Maggie had already sent Bennett a letter ending their friendship would have been an understatement. That had been another thought to cross his mind over the course of the night; if they were going to fix things there couldn't be any more Bennett, but Jack had a hard time even thinking of asking her to do that. He would be distraught if she asked him to give up any of the few friends he did have.

He would have been lying if he said that didn't help her. While he felt guilty that she had gone and done that when he hadn't asked that of her, it was a step in the right direction he thought. If she wasn't going to be able to be around Mr. Potter without disasters like this happening, then maybe it was for the better. He hated to think that way, especially after all Maggie and Bennett had been through together, but if he couldn't trust them together then it wasn't going to work.

Jack sighed. He didn't want any of what Maggie had just said. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were three days ago, back to their new marriage and new house and everything working fine. At least Maggie seemed like she genuinely wanted to fix things, that was a relief. Closing the distance between them slowly he cupped her cheeks with his hands. "I want to fix this and I want to trust you." He looked directly into her bright green eyes with his cloudy blue ones, speaking directly what he was feeling. "I don't want you to be confined to the house, I want you to have friends, but I need to know I can trust you around those friends." Resting his forehead against her's he knew that was what he wanted, he just needed to know she could handle it.

  

[Magdelena Collins]

The relief Maggie felt at Jack's touch only lasted for a moment. She wasn't a good person, she wasn't anyone worthy of Jack's affection or love. Maggie was a whore, a whore who had not only ruined her two week old marriage, but had also ruined one of her longest friendships with someone Maggie truly cared for. Jack deserved better. He deserved someone wholesome, someone who wasn't going to kiss their best friend repeatedly, someone who would give him every once of care and love possible.

Someone who wasn't Magdelena.

Crying, Maggie shied away from his touch. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to have him hold her. She wanted to work this out. But Jack deserved more; he deserved better. "I've been friends with Bennet since my school years. I've always cared about him, and I've always loved him in a non-romantic sort of way." Maggie began ranting, knowing she was about to destroy every chance her marriage ever had a working itself out. "When I was in Italy...I was writing to him as well. I was writing to you, I was writing to Ben, I was writing to Kathleen, I was writing to a few people from my year, a few people I've met in passing by." She wasn't able to wipe away her tears anymore, there were too many. "On December Ninth, I got sick. I didn't write anyone for three days. I'm not even sure anymore what happened with our letters during this time, but there was a lot of pain. An insane amount of pain.

"And when I got better, I read Ben's letters. He was worried about me. I told him I got sick, but I couldn't tell him with what. That was the first time he came to Italy to find me." Pausing, Maggie turned to look at Jack's beautiful blue eyes. "There have been four times in my entire life when Ben has ever hugged me. Once was when I graduated, twice in Italy, and yesterday. I've been friends with Bennet for years and he's only embraced me less than five times, that's how ..." she couldn't think of the right word to say. "After Happy...after my son was gone, I didn't read or return any letters for weeks afterward. I nearly died, Jack. And so Ben kept writing to me. And I eventually got so fed up with the bloody owls at my window that I read his letters finally and told him where I was.

Pausing again, Maggie tried to catch her breath. She tried to work through the overwhelming emotions of yesterday. "I hadn't known you were gone yet...I didn't read your letter until after I'd read Ben's. But then...then you were gone too. You ... Ben came and got me. He brought me home. And for weeks after all I did was cry or pretend I was fine. I tried not to think about you. I tried not to walk past the emporium. I tried not to look at the animals in the boutique and think of you in Africa. But I did. I kept looking, and it killed me inside. It killed me knowing you were gone." She stepped closer to Jack, but not close enough where he could easily grasp her. Jack had to know this. He had to know everything, they couldn't afford secrets anymore.

"Then, yesterday...yesterday I went for the fourth time to go and get to Bennet. I went to be his friend, his shoulder to cry on. And at first I was. At first he was crying and I was holding him, but then he kissed me. And I didn't tell him I was married. I couldn't hurt him anymore! I couldn't. I couldn't make him feel even more guilty for kissing a married woman when he was already blaming himself for the death of his sister. I couldn't. But...the entire time I was thinking 'Jack. What about Jack? What am I going to tell Jack?' I almost didn't come home because I was paralyzed at the thought of telling you."

This was it. Maggie had to finish, she had to make Jack realize she wasn't a good person, that she wasn't worth all this trouble.

Taking a deep breath in, she tried to reign in her cries of both grief and frustration before continuing. "You're an amazing person. You're someone that people can be proud of, I know I am. I'm not someone to be proud of, though. I'm not a virgin, I've had a baby, hell. I swam nude in the black lake. I'm not like you. I'm not a good person. I'm not...you want to be able to trust me, you want to be able to move past this, and I do too. I want to pretend I'm someone good, and I want to make it seem like I'm not this horrible waste of space. You make me want to be better, Jack. You make me want to be good. But I'm not...I just do stupid shit like this that makes you angry enough to walk out the door. That's all I'll ever do."

  

[Jack Collins]

Jack stepped back as Maggie did seeing clearly on her face that he didn't want him to touch her. He took another subconscious step back as she started. This was why he didn't want to ask her to give up her friendship with Bennett. He knew the guy had been there for Maggie when Jack hadn't been, and for that was eternally grateful, but the line had been crossed and hated to admit it but that had wiped everything clear for Jack.

Unfortunately it seemed like Maggie had stronger feelings for Bennett than even she realized, subconscious feelings that she hadn't really given much thought to and that was not good news for Jack. It was the only explanation he could come up with. She loved him on some level, enough not to tell him she was married, enough because Bennett had been there when Jack wasn't and Jack would blame himself for that forever. He thought that he'd been making up for it now, getting married, living together, loving one another, but it had been naive of him to think that he could fix things that way, not when he'd screwed up so badly in the beginning.

With every word she said, Jack felt the cracks in his heart shifting, breaking and he knew now there might be no way to come back from this. It was hard to watch her stand there and cry, all he wanted to do was hold her, but something was stopping him. He had this nagging feeling that they couldn't make this work, not if she had such strong feelings for Bennett. She'd nearly died. Those words rang clear in his head. She'd nearly died and he hadn't been there for her.

He had no idea what to say, but he let her finish, holding his thoughts inside while she got it all out, breaking his heart with each sentence because he wasn't sure this was going to work out. He wanted it to, but now he wasn't so sure. It hurt more to listen to Maggie demean herself like that and he wanted to tell her to stop but she was steamrolling right through it. When she finally finished, he resisted the urge to reach out to her, worried she'd shy away again. "I know he was there for you when I wasn't. I screwed up and it was foolish of me to think I could fix it. Clearly you care for him Maggie, maybe you're better off without me. I'm the one that keeps causing all of this." He couldn't fathom why he'd just said that, being honest he supposed, but if they hadn't gotten married she wouldn't feel guilty, wouldn't be giving up a friendship, perhaps she'd be happy instead of miserable.

  

[Magdelena Collins]

"No. You don't get it." Maggie persisted, wanting to both hug him and slap him all at once. Hug him because he was being Jack, and slap him because none of this was his fault. The only thing Maggie could possibly blame him for was leaving back in December, but even that was so long ago that Maggie shouldn't be so effected by it still. "You don't...I-I-I-" None of this was Jack's fault, it was all her own. Every last issue they ever had, it was all because of her.

Standing in front of Jack, Maggie held his hand tightly in her own. "You...you would be better off without me." She whispered. "You were better before I was involved. I'm not...I thought I could be better. I thought I could try to be better for you, but I'm not. I'm toxic, Jack." She couldn't stop crying, she couldn't pull her hand out of Jack's, she couldn't walk away like she knew she needed to. Maggie didn't want this to be their end, but it was. This was an ending, a horrible, tragic ending caused by her own actions.

Maggie had no romantic feelings for Ben. He'd just been a part of her life for so long, he'd been someone she could rely on for almost anything for years. Bennet was a huge part of Maggie's life, he knew her better than she knew herself sometimes. But, Maggie was willing to give Ben up. Maggie was willing to say goodbye to her best friend if it meant keeping Jack. Even that wasn't enough. Nothing she did would ever be enough.

  

[Jack Collins]

Placing blame. They kept trying to blame themselves and neither one of them would be able to fully accept the other was to blame, he realized this now. He blamed himself and she blamed herself and even placing the blame wasn't going to fix it. It didn't matter who was at fault, all that mattered was how to fix it.

"Stop, stop." He squeezed her hand as she continued to take all of the credit for their mistakes. "No more sorries, no more blame Maggie, it's not going to fix it. We've both made mistakes," He sighed, rolling his shoulders, feeling the tension of the last day and a half pent up there and he couldn't get rid of it. "People make mistakes, we're human." Everything leading up to their marriage had been mistake after ridiculous mistake, but they'd been willing to own up their mistakes, loved one another enough to make it work and he hoped they could get through this. He certainly hadn't anticipated ever finding himself in situations like these, but he supposed that he and Maggie worked somehow. He needed her just as much as she needed him and he didn't want everything to go hell like this.

Carefully he reached out again, nervous she would move back, but placed his hand on her cheek again. "The question is how do we fix them? I don't want to give up on us, but neither one of us can seem to get our shit together and I don't know what to do about it." He really didn't want to see everything they'd tried to build fall apart so soon, at all, it seemed like they just couldn't get out of their own way. It didn't seem like a good enough reason to just up and quit though.

He still loved Maggie, he would always love Maggie, but he needed to know that she wanted to fix this as much as he did, needed to know he could trust her. "I want to fix this, do you?"

  

[Magdelena Collins]

They couldn't do this. Jack may say no more blame, no more sorries, but there would always be a shitload of them. Maggie was a screw up, she was someone who stepped on every chance of redemption, she didn't deserve Jack. "You would've said you were married." She mumbled, "You wouldn't have made my mistakes. You wouldn't have kissed your friend, and you wouldn't hav-"

Maggie couldn't stop, there was too much blame to take.

"You deserve better than me." She said after letting his questions hang in the balance. "You deserve someone who isn't ... who isn't like me." Maggie felt each shard of her broken heart slowly piercing her other organs. Where would she go? Bennet's obviously wasn't an option, and her family had all but disowned her. Maggie didn't have anywhere to go, all she had left now was Jack. And she didn't even have that. "Don't you see it? Don't you see that I'm the one making all the mistakes? We ... we never should've done this. I'm only going to hurt you."

She kissed his cheek lightly, their last kiss probably. "All I'll ever do is hurt you, Jack. I love you, and I've mastered the skill of hurting those I love."

  

[Jack Collins]

Damn why was this so hard for her to understand? He was no peach either, he'd made plenty of mistakes, he'd left her when she needed him most because he was afraid to admit his feelings. He was lucky she'd taken him back when he came crawling back from Africa missing a leg. She'd been generous enough to go see him in the hospital, to stick by him and he could do that for her. She'd forgiven him for his mistakes and he could return the favor.

"I don't care what you think I deserve Maggie, no matter how much you look down on yourself, I love you and I want you." He emphasized want because it was true. They could go around in circles all day blaming themselves, blaming each other, arguing but at the end of the day they were married and he loved her and he wanted to be with her.

Using his free hand to wipe away some of her tears. "I love you Maggie and that's all that matters. I've made mistakes, you've forgiven me, you married me even after everything else. I can forgive you for this. We'll be alright." He hadn't been so sure a few minutes ago, but he'd made up his mind. They could get through this. They would be alright. If they put in the effort, thought things through and communicated they could make this work. "We just need to work on some things." He assured her and they would, if she'd stick around they could figure it out.

  

[Magdelena Collins]

Why couldn't Jack see the truth? Why couldn't Jack see how broken Maggie really was? She loved too easily, and she fell apart just as easily. He had the chance to be live life without her, the golden opportunity that wasn't going to come around many times. This was Jack's chance to get out, so why wasn't he taking it?

There were so many--too many--risks involved in this. "What if we're not?" Maggie asked quietly, her every doubt coming into play. "What if we're days, weeks, months years down the road and we're not okay? What if we were only supposed to have two weeks? What if...what if you meet the love of your life tomorrow?" Jack was Maggie's love, she had no doubt about it. Being without him for twenty-four hours had been paunful enough; Maggie didn't want to imagine anymore time wasted.

"What i-" Stopping herself, Maggie took her hand from their entwined ones and brought it up to his chest. She leaned forward and pressed her lips lightly against Jack's. "I'm psyching myself out for nothing, aren't I? We're here now, and we want to work things out now. Bennet is gone. I love you. You love me. The what ifs...they don't matter, do they?"

[MAGGIE IZ OFFICALLY AS COOCOO AS MY CLOCK]

  

[Jack Collins]

Insecure. He realized that Maggie was being insecure and while she pieced through it, he waited, letting her come to the conclusion on her own. It would be more real to her if she finally came to it. A series of what if's shouldn't stop them from being together if they loved one another. That was all that was all that really mattered.

"I've already met the love of my life Maggie." He said in a tone that he used with students when they already know the answer to their question. He shook his head with a slow smile, accepting her light kiss rather easily, feeling the tingling sensation she always gave him linger there. She still made his heart skip a beat and that was why he knew they'd be okay. She would make his heart skip a beat every time she kissed him and that was worth everything else.

"No, what if's don't matter." They really didn't. Not at this point. Mistakes would be made, they'd fight, they'd work through it. Everything would be fine. Those were all normal parts of marriage and they could handle them. Marriage, they could make this work and he was going to start now.

Untangling his fingers from her's he slipped them behind her neck, tilting her head up for another kiss. He pressed his lips to her's with a little more urgency than she had, unsure of what came over him. He just wanted to show her how much he loved her...

  

[Magdelena Collins]

"You have?" Maggie asked in mock surprise. "Is she pretty?" They were going to work this out. They were going to make this work, and they would somehow manage to move past the drama. Bennet was going to have to remain in Maggie's past, someone she looked back on with a slight smile and a soft heart. No matter what happened between Jack and herself, Maggie could never think of Ben as someone devious or malicious. Ben was Ben, he was his own adjective because there wasn't any one word that could properly describe him.

Meeting his kiss with genuine surprise, Maggie moved her hands from his neck to his side, clutching his shirt in her hands. She wasn't sure where this was going, wasn't even sure if she wanted it to lead to sex. Was sex after an argument like their's a good thing? Or was it simply a steady way of avoiding their problems?

  

[Jack Collins]

What was he doing? Jack had no idea, none whatsoever. His body was acting of its own accord and he had to stop. It didn't seem right, to feel like this after such a huge argument. "Gorgeous." He said as he leaned back for a moment, his head spinning. He could feel her hands clutching his shirt and he slid is own down her arms to take her hands in his. Bringing them to his lips, he kissed her knuckles, enjoying the contact he wasn't so sure he'd ever have again. If Jack had his way he'd be permanently attached to Maggie, not to ensure that something like this wouldn't happen again, but because he felt more complete when she was around.

He pressed his forehead against hers again with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "I love you." He wanted to say he was sorry, but refrained. It was over now, in the past and they were moving on. They'd learn from it and be better for it.

"Now what?" He asked quietly, torn between what to do. Two options floated through his head, they both involved going to bed because he was exhausted, but only one involved sleeping... No, he shouldn't think like that. This was hardly the time to think of things like that, wasn't it? No not at all, said the rational part of his brain, which was getting drowned out by the emotional part. He wondered where her head was at...

  

[Magdelena Collins]

Her body was tingling, and Maggie briefly wondered if tonight would be the night. Jack and she had been married for close to two weeks and haven't ever progressed further than kissing. Maggie felt too awkward leading Jack into it, and he was too inexperienced to lead her. They were like two awkward turtles trying hard to find their way back into the sea. "Gorgeous? Do I know her? Is she older?" Maggie continued with the ruse, realizing she kind of liked it.

Kissing him after his proclamation of love, Maggie then matched his smile. "I love you, too." Maggie loved Jack more than anything--or anyone--else. Even if she had doubts, or had insecurities that Jack would one day find someone better, Maggie was going to have to persevere and stick to working on their relationship. She owed Jack that much.

"Why don't we go lay down? We don't have to...whatever happens, happens." They'd never really discussed sex before, and Maggie hadn't ever informed Jack of her scars. He wouldn't like them, what man wanted a damaged woman? But Jack wouldn't hurt her as bad, Jack wouldn't leave bruises, welts, or scars. Only evil people like Tiberius Lestrange did. "We can just sleep if you want...I don't know about you, but I didn't sleep a wink last night."