I'm Only Gonna Break Your Heart

[Tavish MacFusty]

July 8, 1883

Tavish hated being in love. That was what he told himself as he paced around his house, waiting for Vera to show up so that he could - in essence - break her heart. The whole situation was ten times scarier than the one he'd just gotten back from where he'd killed a dragon that was out of control. Funny how he could stare down the eyes of a pissed off dragon but the thought of telling his very best friend (aside from Tor) that he loved her but loved another too and was going to pursue her was ten times scarier. Well he supposed when he took into account who Vera was, any man with a mind would be scared of her. But it wasn't so much her that was scary, but the fact that he was letting her go. He was losing her and he knew he would and yet it still felt right to pursue Ethelyn.

He'd thought long and hard about it. As long and hard as he could given the situation. He didn't want to leave Ethelyn hanging for too long and while he'd been away he'd thought about it all. Weighed the pros and cons of both of them. He hated having to compare because they were completely different - the love he felt for both of them were completely different from one another. But he had to do it because he couldn't have 'what-ifs' hanging in the air at every turn. He supposed that would be unavoidable but through it all he'd managed to come to the decision that he wanted to pursue things with Ethelyn. He couldn't really explain why it felt right but even though Vera was one of his nearest and dearest he wondered if it was smart to get romantically involved. After all if they broke up...he'd lose her. And while he was losing her now, at least there was more of a chance that later on in life she wouldn't hate him.

Really, it was crazy. That was part of his logic then another part said that if he was meant to be with her, they already would have been together at some point. But they'd never even thought about that in the past. So maybe it just wasn't supposed to be like that. He groaned aloud trying to think of how he'd word it all to Vera. How could he say that he was choosing another woman over her? It seemed impossible and when he heard a knock on his study door he froze. "Come in." He called, watching as the door opened and revealed Vera. "We...we gotta talk." He said it with a sigh. There was no way she wouldn't know what was coming. But he still had to say it.

  

[Vera Rose]

Vera had a very bad feeling as she floo'd from the shop to Tavish's house. It was unexplainable, like she should turn and run away and not go, but that was absurd. Still, as she walked to his study, she couldn't help the feeling of unease in the pit of her stomach. Everything had been fine these past few days. It was strange, to have heard him say the words that she knew he felt and to remember that in their recent exchanges, but things were more... okay than she thought they would be.

At least, she had thought as much before she saw the serious look on his face. Tav's three words made her stop. She wasn't daft; she knew what was coming. They hadn't discussed what had happened at length, or much at all, but apparently that was what was going to happen. Vera would be lying to herself if she said she hadn't been expecting something like this, and she would [i]really be lying to herself if she didn't think Ethelyn had something to do with it.

"Okay. Talk." she said calmly. Their whole situation was precarious, and now it seemed that it was all going to topple over.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

He could tell the moment she spoke that she knew what was about to happen, at least in part. He took no joy in knowing that he was about to alienate one of the most important people in his life from him. It seemed stupid in that moment that he was about to do it but it felt like the right thing. Vera and he had many times where they could have been more and it never happened. Maybe it wasn't meant to happen. He didn't know if he truly meant that because he knew he loved her. He loved her so much. But something about it all made him think that it wasn't meant to last. He didn't know what it was but he knew it was there.

"Ah donnae know how tae tell ye," he started with a sign, sitting back on his desk, "but Ah think ye already know." That much was clear. She wasn't stupid by any stretch of the imagination and he knew that. She also knew him inside and out. Even if he'd said it differently she would have known. He couldn't hide a damn thing from her even if he tried. She could probably see everything he was feeling and thinking written on her face, that was how well she knew him. It was scary to think that another person knew him so well. And that that one person who knew - and loved - him was soon going to want nothing to do with him ever again.

Running a hand through his hair he tried to think of what exactly to say. "Ah donnae think this will work out." He finally said it with much displeasure in his voice because he didn't want to lose her. But he'd already decided to pursue Ethelyn. He decided that and he was going to stick with that. He didn't even know why he was choosing to pursue her, not really, because the fact was that he loved them both to the point of distraction. But he had to choose just one of them. And he had. "Ah know ye donnae wanna hear it but Ah am sorry." He meant it but he didn't expect her to care. He expected her to scream at him and Merlin he almost hoped she did.

  

[Vera Rose]

Teddy had left her without a word, without a way to contact him, and without even giving her a reason. People from her past, and the relationships she had with them, never stayed around for long, it seemed. But no. She wasn't going to just sit back and let Tavish waltz out of her life without putting up a fight. Yes, Vera liked Ethelyn, wished her the most happiness she could, but that didn't mean she was going to sit back and watch while she stole the man she loved away from her. Tavish was talking to her, unlike Teddy had, and she was going to yell and argue and do everything she could to convince him to change his mind.

"You don't think that this will work out? Or you went and saw Ethelyn? At least tell me the truth." she said quietly, turning her gaze on him. The fact that he could actually end up going through with this hadn't really settled in yet, despite the growing sense of dread she felt. Vera was in complete denial. Whatever she'd thought about being prepared for such a thing happening didn't help when Tav was right in front of her telling her he was sorry. And the worst was that she knew him well enough that she knew he was being honest, but him being honest didn't make any of the pain go away.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

Of course she'd know that Ethelyn was involved. Tavish liked to think that this was the right decision with or without Ethelyn. There were a lot of things...he couldn't even be sure where to begin. It was made worse because of course he still had little doubts. No matter which one he was with he had thoughts of the other and that didn't seem like it'd ever change. But he was finally at a decision that he thought was right. Vera and him had their chances in the past and it had never happened. Hell, until that night he'd never even thought Vera had loved him. He'd already known that Ethelyn did, though. And that he loved her too. It seemed only right to go with her when she had already had his heart.

"Ye wanna know th' truth?" He started with a sigh. He didn't want to tell her that Ethelyn had come to see him and it made him question things because then it would seem as though he loved Ethelyn more. And that wasn't necessarily true at all. It was all just different. "Ethelyn came tae see me. And it got me thinkin'." That was all he needed to say. He didn't need to tell her how she'd pleaded with him, how he'd kissed her. She didn't need to know all the details about how he'd been doubting things the moment he'd let Ethelyn leave his home the day she'd caught him and Vera together. She didn't need to know all of those things though he had a feeling she already did.

  

[Vera Rose]

She was right about Ethelyn, but she'd been pretty sure about that anyways. She didn't want to think about what they'd talked about, or rather what the other woman had said to change Tavish's mind, but the thought came uninvited anyways. They'd probably kissed and made hasty, heartfelt declarations of love. Much like what had happened with Vera and him the first time, she imagined. But in some way better, more important, more special. If not, well, why would he be talking to her as he was now?

"You're-" she stopped, unable to finish her sentence because her mind was moving faster than her mouth. What could she possibly say? She'd been so sure of herself a moment ago! Where had that all gone? "You're making a mistake." she announced, looking him in the eye. He was, and she had to find some way to prove that and for him to realize and... Vera was grasping at straws but couldn't seem to grab hold of any.

"Actually, no, I made the mistake. You should have just let me leave, Tavish. Would've saved you the bloody trouble," she said bitterly. Why had she been so foolish as to hope? As soon as Ethelyn had walked into Tav's heart, Vera was doomed. Even though they had years of friendship and love that wasn't quite friendship but wasn't really romantic, it wasn't enough. And what else did Vera have to give?

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

Tavish hated feeling like a bad guy. Contrary to popular belief, he didn't make a habit out of breaking women's hearts. He was always honest that he wasn't prince charming and all of that. But he'd still found himself in a position where he'd have to be the bad guy. He couldn't even fault Vera for hating him. He deserved it. She should hate him. But that didn't mean he liked it anymore. He didn't like hurting people, especially not Vera. But this was what seemed right. It seemed right to be with Ethelyn. Maybe he was just tricking himself. He didn't know. Maybe he was really making a mistake like she said he was.

Her next words made him feel like the scum of the earth. And maybe he was. It was easy to believe. After all, he was hurting one of the most important people in his life. That had to make him some kind of monster. "Ah know Ah should have." He said it with a tone that showed how sorry he was. He wished he had let her go. "Ah wish Ah hadnae made any decisions in haste. But Ah did. An' Ah messed up. Ah'm sorry, but Ah cannae change th' past." He meant that. He should have let them both go that day, sat back and thought about things rather than grasping at the nearest woman and keeping her from leaving because he was too afraid to lose both of them. He'd been selfish. He'd messed up. He knew that much and he knew there was nothing he could do to fix the pain he'd caused. He wished he could, but he knew that was a fools dream.

  

[Vera Rose]

Vera scoffed and looked away from him, not wishing that he would see the tears in her eyes. "So saying you loved me was a hasty decision? That's it?" she said incredulously, wishing she really had left when she had intended to in the first place. He'd come so close to breaking her heart that she didn't think that she could handle anymore distress for fear of not being able to pick up the pieces. But she also couldn't just stand there, frown, nod, and leave. That wasn't who she was. There had been a time when she'd be confronted by pain like this and she would happily have taken the easy way out, but not anymore.

"You're right. You can't change the past. The past where we have years of friendship and telling each other everything," she said, voice rising in volume a bit more than she would have liked. She was in control, and she didn't want him to think she was saying things in anger that she wouldn't have normally said, because she believed what she was saying. "You've known this girl for what? Three months? And you think that-that she's the 'one', hmm? Well I'll tell you a little something about the 'one'." she objected, wrapping her arms around her waist to prevent from reaching out and doing something stupid.

"I had my 'one', and he left me in the dust. Not a word, not a reason why. And then you come along." Vera paused, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. "And you're the same as you always are. Handsome, charming, raunchy. When I was with you, I could forget about him, I really could. And I don't know when I fell in love with you but it happened before I could stop and tell myself what a horrible idea it was." She had to stop again for a moment to compose herself. It seemed like even when they were fighting, she could tell Tavish any and everything, because she was. Holding back didn't work for her in the first place, so she abandoned that strategy and latched on to a new one that she hoped would work.

"Then I realized that even if you weren't the fairy tale story I dreamed about having when I was little, you were what I needed. Yours was all the love I could ever wish for." All the steam she'd had earlier had dissipated now, and she was pretty sure it was for good. She wasn't meant to have her happy ending after all, it seemed, and she was growing more and more resigned to that fact. She didn't want to say any more, or hear any more, or deal with any of this. She should have known better than to invest herself so much in one person and in one emotion, because she had Quin and Valerie and the shop, but she felt wronged to have had a taste of what could have been with Tavish just to have him take it away.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

She'd twisted his words and he could hardly blame her. He couldn't blame her at all for how angry - how hurt - she was but he also couldn't fix it. Because no matter what, he couldn't be with Vera. It wouldn't work. He wasn't even sure why it was that he was so certain of that -not completely - but he was. He knew that. And though he hated that he couldn't be the one for her he knew that there was no other way but the way it was going then. It had to be like that. It had to end because otherwise they'd get so tired of one another that they'd never be friends again. He'd rather do this than have her grow tired of him and that was all there was to say about that.

"Ye donnae need me or my love." He told her seriously. She was too strong to need anything from him. "An' ye know as well as Ah do that if we continue on..." He couldn't say it. He didn't want to say it. "We know one another too well. We'd get bored, ye'd get bored of me and we'd fall apart. An' then what? What would have been th' point?" His own voice was getting stronger. He was irritated because things had to be that way and because she couldn't see what was so obvious. They would never have worked out. He was sure of it. He wasn't good enough to keep her happy forever. They'd ruin their friendship if they continued on with a romantic entanglement.

Looking away, he sighed. "This love ruined our friendship. It was always gonna ruin our friendship and Ah'd rather make ye hate me than have ye get tired of me." That was that. Things inevitably would have gone sour and he'd rather nip it in the bud than let things get more messed up. "Ah was always gonna break yer heart." That much was true too. And he'd rather have it be from leaving than the inevitable disappointment she'd feel in him.

  

[Vera Rose]

She felt like she was some sort of crazy, because her anger flared once more at his words. How could he say that they themselves had ruined their friendship? It was hard to break the sort of bond that they had, and Vera still believed that it was there, but that it was best if they both ignored it. Obviously Tavish was going to ride off into the sunset with Ethelyn - someone he'd known not even for three months and seemed vastly different than what she ever expected him to go for - and they would never speak again. She couldn't see this going down any other way, but she wanted it known that she had no part whatsoever in making that happen.

"This love ruined our friendship? No, Ethelyn ruined this friendship. I never would have told you anything if I hadn't been caught with my fucking legs in the air by your... whatever she is! I loved you, and I didn't want to lose you, so I shut my mouth and I enjoyed the best friendship I've ever had." she argued, noticing that she'd said 'loved' and not 'love' and hoping that that hurt him. She'd never been a particularly vindictive woman, but in this moment she hoped that her words stung Tavish like his had her.

At the same time, she wanted to smack him silly and hope for some sense to fall in, because how could he ever think that she would get bored of him? Hell, even if he were deaf and mute, Vera would never get tired of just looking at him! "Tavish, you are so much stupider than I'm already beginning to believe if you think that I could get tired of you. It's me you've gotten tired of, isn't it? Don't try to pin things on me that I haven't even done yet."

Her words were harsh and all she could think was that she loved him so much that her heart ached as she said such things to him. He would convince himself that he was right - like a typical man - and none of her protestations or arguments would mean a thing by the time their conversation was over. It was hopeless for her. And he thought that she was going to hate him after this. Vera wished with every fiber of her being that she could, and that she would, but how? Tavish and Vera had, well, always been Tavish and Vera. Practically since they'd gotten off the boats in their first year. How was she supposed to go on without him, after leaning on his friendship like a crutch for the past few months?

"I just don't know what to say to you to convince you that you're wrong. I don't know anymore. You wouldn't believe me anyways." she said softly. Looking him in the eyes was difficult, but it was a Herculean feat that she managed even through her tears. Damn it all to fucking hell, why was she crying again? How was she supposed to move on if Tav was still right in front of her and she was already crying?

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

He hated seeing her like that. Knowing that he was making her cry was the worst feeling int he world. He'd much rather she just be angry - just hate him. But instead she was sad and he couldn't for the life of him fathom why losing him would mean so much to someone. Confidence though he showed, there was very little Tavish really thought he was good for. And loving Vera would have to be one of them. They would ruin their friendship beyond all repair and it was easier to do it in this way rather than let it disintegrate after a failed attempt at romance. Because at the end of the day, the thought of losing Vera like that - in that way - hurt worse than the thought of losing Ethelyn like that did.

When she said she hadn't intended on saying anything he thought that was a stupid excuse. "An' ye think that wouldnae have ruined our friendship? Ye keepin' yer love fer me a secret? That woulda just ended perfectly." It was stupid for her to think that even in that scenario things would have worked out fine. "Ye woulda eventually gotten angry or soemthin' that Ah didnae know. That Ah didnae return it. It never woulda been okay, Vera. Never." He meant that. Nothing she could say would make him think that there was any scenario in which he would get to keep her in some way shape or form. They were destined to fail and that was the hard truth of the matter.

Giving a sigh he looked away. He couldn't look at her. Because it made him want to just take it all back and he couldn't do that. "Ah'd rather lose ye on my own terms rather than watchin' us fall apart because we're wrong fer one another." He didn't care if it was a pitiful excuse. It was the best one he had. "Ah never would have been enough tae keep ye happy and yer best tae just hate me rather than cry over me." That was what he felt. He wasn't worth her tears and that was a simple fact. He wasn't worth anyone's tears and he wished she'd just get angry at him. He'd welcome a punch to the face at that moment if it meant she'd stop being sad.

After a moment of tense silence he looked at her, trying to keep his eyes dry because men didn't cry. And he didn't. "Ah'm not gonna change my mind. We never woulda worked." He wanted to say something mean, something that would make her leave and never return. Something that would make her hate him. He couldn't. It was all on the tip of his tongue Go, I don't want you, leave me alone but he couldn't say those lies. Because he did want her. He wanted her forever and that was the problem. There would be no forever with them. It wouldn't last. And he'd rather push her away than have her realizing that one day and leave him.

  

[Vera Rose]

She felt so weak and pathetic for letting the tears out, but she was only human. How could she have let this happen again? She was so stupid, so hopeful, so ridiculously blind to how this would end. Because she wasn't worth loving. Teddy hadn't the courage to say that to her face, but she knew that now as she listened to Tavish's excuses. They were all so easily disproved and so pessimistic; Vera wanted to yell at him and force him to realize how stupid his reasons were for not choosing her but it was pointless. He was dead set on driving her away.

Letting out a light and undignified sob, Vera wiped at her eyes and turned bodily away from him. She didn't want to leave yet, but he obviously wanted her to. He didn't want to listen to reason, fine, but she still had some fight in her. She tried her darnedest to compose herself before turning taking a step towards him. "I never th-thought that you would be such a bloody pessimist. We never would have worked when all we wanted each other for was sex, I know, but I don't think that was how it'd been for a while now. You're just trying to take the easy way out of this because you're already set on having your happy ending with her. But I'll tell you something. Nothing about this is or will ever be easy."

There, she'd said it. And nothing about saying it was easy, either. This was worse than Teddy on so many levels. She hadn't known it was coming with him, sure, but knowing something was going to happen and having no power to stop it was so, so worse. "At least I'm honest with myself." she finished. She hoped she was finished, because she didn't know how much more of this Tavish her heart could take.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

She was honest with herself? Tavish forced a sort of scowl on his face. "Yer a fool if ye think things woulda worked fer us. That's not honesty - that's dreamin'." He said it harshly as he could manage. She wasn't going to give up and so he'd have to make her give up. "Ah'm a realist, Vera. Forever after's donnae exist and they sure as hell ain't in a future fer us together." The words sounded so cruel even to his ears. He hated saying it, hated pushing her away but if she wasn't going to leave he'd have to get even more cruel to make her go. To make her hate him. Because he needed her to hate him - it was what he deserved.

It was getting increasingly more difficult to look at her let alone say things. He didn't want to lose his composure though - not in front of her, not over something like this. Tavish wasn't weak and breaking down would contradict that fact. He wasn't going to lose his cool over this no matter how much it killed him to think of what he was about to say to her. He had to take a deep breath before he could even begin to speak the words. He couldn't believe he was about to be so cold to her but he had to. He had to be cold.

"Jus' go, Vera. Leave. It's over, we're over an' there ain't a thing ye can do about it." His words were unstable as he said them. Harsh though they were he was sure she could tell that he didn't really want to say them. And dammit he'd tried. He'd tried so hard to sound convincing but he was afraid he didn't. So he looked away from her and gained his composure before trying again. "Leave." He demanded harshly, internally wincing at how mean he sounded. He'd never wanted to sound like that to anyone let alone her. But he had to. He had to get her to hate him.

  

[Vera Rose]

Vera just took what he had to say without a word or protestation. He was the fool if he thought that she didn't know he was just trying to run away from his problems. That didn't matter though, because his words hurt more than the most painful transformation that she'd ever gone through. It was really over. She took a shuddering breath and stumbled backwards as if his words had physically pushed her back. The conflicting rage and despair welled up as tears in her eyes as she turned and walked quickly to the door and stopped.

"Fuck you, Tavish. I'm done with you, and you can... you can go rot for all I care!" she snapped, turning around to glare at him with her vision blurred from the tears. Even she could hear how hollow her words sounded, but it was all she could do to cope with what had just transpired.

Hardly believing she would make it to his floo, she took one last look at him and pivoted counterclockwise on her feet, skirts swirling as she apparated away. It was almost certain that she would end up splinching herself, but she couldn't fathom making her legs work to walk away from him. From the one, last shot at happiness that she'd had and destroyed.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

It seemed like he was finally getting the reaction from her that he was going for. And it killed him. He never put much thought into extreme emotions, much preferring to sweep them aside and forget about them but even he couldn't deny that he felt a tightness in his chest at the way she looked at him as though he had just slapped her across the face. He instantly wanted to take back the words but he couldn't. This was for the best. And when she yelled at him and disapparated he let go a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Tavish didn't know what to feel. In that moment he was almost numb. Leaning against his desk he put one of his hands over his eyes and tried so hard to remain strong. Tried so hard not to do what he'd been wanting to. But event he strongest of people could cry from a broken heart and he was no different. A choked sob came from him and he tried so hard to suppress it. Channel it into something else. And he did just that. With anger and pain he turned and flipped his desk over wanting nothing more than to break everything in sight. But he couldn't.

He kicked his desk and walked in a small circle before coming to his chair. He was so angry - so sad - and he knew it was all his fault. So with an enraged yell he turned and punched the wall, not caring that he'd made a whole in the wall and that his hand was in pain. He deserved more than that for what he'd done to Vera and pain like that was better than crying. And yet he couldn't stop them. The tears came again and he just leaned against his wall, losing the will to even fight them.