Moving On

[Ethelyn MacFusty]

DATE: December 23rd, 1883
TAG: Tavish
Words: 304
NOTES:

Since the miscarriage, she'd only glimpsed her reflection a small handful of times but it was today that it really struck her. She didn't recognize the gray, sallow woman looking back at her with tired eyes and limp blonde hair. Who was she? She already looked like a specter, perilously teetering on the edge of her own grave; how long before she lost her balance?

Although she had only just woken up, she felt drained as though she had never slept - not that her sleep had been peaceful in the first place. The fever that had settled in was raging still and instead of starting to feel better, she had only felt progressively worse since losing the baby. Any fight she had had was now gone and she could only lie there and let things take their course.

Ethelyn shut her eyes for how long, she didn't know. She wasn't sure what it was that tugged her back into consciousness exactly, but there was something in her gut telling her what she least wanted to hear. If her heartbeats hadn't been subdued as they were, they might have quickened at the realization. Everything suddenly seemed a thousand times more difficult, like her entire body was slowing down and there was nothing she could do about it. "Tavish!" she cried out, surprisingly loud considering how much effort it had taken and how little energy she had left. Her vision was blurring and she wasn't sure if he was there. Where was he? "Tavish, are you there?" she whimpered, panic-stricken that he wasn't and she wouldn't be able to hold on until he was. She blinked hard, realizing it was tears that were obscuring her vision. "I think... I can't... I'm d-" she whispered, reaching out for him weakly, unable to finish.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

The past handful of days had been more emotionally exhausting than any Tav had ever experienced in his life. Kitten was, of course, quite confused about the whole situation and so he'd taken her that morning to Lewes Castle to stay with his family until...well, until the worst came to pass. Try as he might to convince himself that Ethelyn wasn't dying it had become increasingly more difficult to do so. She looked like merely a shadow of the woman he'd fallen in love with. Her skin was discolored and sickly looking, weight already having dropped from the fever and eyes getting less and less vibrant by the moment. It hurt him to have to see her like that - see the life leaving her body at a painstakingly slow pace all the while knowing that he could do nothing to save her. He was useless to his wife and that hurt.

He was already on his way back up to the room when he heard her call. Immediately he broke into a mad dash up the stairs, hoping and praying to whatever higher power there was that he wouldn't walk into the room to find only a corpse on the bed. He knew she was going to die. He knew it and there was nothing he could do about it but at the very least he wanted to be with her when it happened. If she was to be torn from the land of the living then she'd be taken while by the side of the man who loved her more than he could ever express. If nothing else he had to at least be granted that small peace of mind.

Opening the door to the bedroom he rushed to her side, sitting on the seat that was beside her and relieved to see she was, even if shallowly, breathing still. He grasped her hand and kissed her knuckles. "Ah'm here, Ethelyn. Ah'm here." The relief was obvious in his tone was obvious though even he couldn't deny that it was tarnished by the fact that he was quite sure what was soon to follow. He could feel it, he heard it in her tone, he could see it on her face. It was time for them to say goodbye and he wanted to avoid that - he wanted to run away and refuse to accept that it was true. But Ethelyn deserved more than that and he'd be strong for her sake if nothing else.

  

[Ethelyn MacFusty]

DATE: December 23rd, 1883
TAG: Tavish
Words: 313
NOTES:

For a horrible moment she felt certain she was going, she was going and he wasn't there. Thankfully she heard him reply, reassured mostly by the feel of his hand taking hers. She felt the urge to cry with relief that he was with her, that she wouldn't go alone but all she could muster were a few dry sobs. "I can't... Can't fight anymore," she murmured miserably. She so wanted to pull through, to have just a little more time with the man she loved but she knew better than to fool herself into thinking she had that luxury.

She had been so despondent when their baby died, almost wishing something would come along to stop the pain in her heart but not this, not death. She had come to terms with the likelihood of it days ago but now it was staring her in the face it was as though it were a complete surprise. "I want you to know," she stopped to recollect herself, speaking was getting more difficult especially when the conversation wasn't exactly lighthearted."To know that- That if I could have chosen a way to go... I'd choose this way. I wish our little boy could have lived but you've made me happier... than I've ever been."

There were the tears, faint though the sensation was, there was a slight shimmering in her eyes as the tears slowly trickled down her face. "I'm glad that I got to meet you. And love you. And Kitten too. I might not have any time left with you but every second with you has been precious." She hoped he could understand that even though she couldn't change what was happening, that in a tragic way meeting him had lead her to her death, that she wouldn't change it for the world. It was worth the price she now had to pay.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

Tavish could feel his jaw tighten as he tried to keep a stoic face. She was saying her goodbyes and he wanted to petulantly fight against them. To insist that it wasn't necessary, that they'd laugh about this later. Because she couldn't die. He knew, of course, that it was all just wishful thinking. So he held her hand as she said her piece, keeping his face as impassive as he could but he knew his eyes were betraying the way he felt. He knew that they were expressing the pain and love he couldn't open his mouth to voice. Because if he opened his mouth he was afraid of what noise would come out. Would it be words? Would it be a sob? He wasn't very inclined to find out. He didn't want her last vision of him to be one where he was crying. So he tried to give her a smile but it was forced and it was sad and he knew that no matter what she was going to die knowing that her peace would be giving him pain.

The silence was heavier than he would have ever thought silence could be. He looked away for a moment, thumb stroking her skin. It felt so wrong. Everything about the situation was wrong. Her skin felt clammy and lifeless - almost as though she were already a corpse - and he knew that there was no way these moments wouldn't be there last. He looked back at her and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Ah - " he faltered for a minute. What did he say? That he couldn't agree with her sentiments? That he wished she'd never met him? Because he almost did. If she didn't know him...then this wouldn't be happening. She wouldn't be dying. He wouldn't be hurting. Neither of them would love each other but at least she'd still be alive. She'd still exist and she'd have other chances. It was simultaneously the most selfish and selfless thought he'd ever had and he wanted to hate himself for thinking it but he couldn't.

"Ah love ye." He finally found his voice. He couldn't say other platitudes. That he was glad she'd found him. That he was glad they were together. He wasn't because he knew that their being together meant she was dying. He was the cause of her death and he couldn't bring himself to think all their time together was worth it. He wasn't worth her life. There was no two ways about that. But he did love her. And if this was how it had to be, if she had to die because of him - because of his son - then she was going to do so knowing that he loved her. That even though he would choose a different life for her - one without him - in a heartbeat, he loved her. And that wouldn't change.

  

[Ethelyn MacFusty]

DATE: December 23rd, 1883
TAG: Tavish
Words: 327
NOTES:

He wasn't saying much but he didn't have to. She could see in his eyes the pain she was causing him but she could also the love and that was what she chose to focus on. "I love you too. So much." She wished there were some way she could extend her time with him but she didn't need a healer to tell her that that wasn't going to happen. She had had her chance at happiness and maybe it had lacked their little boy but it was no less complete with just Tavish and Kitten. She regretted taking a single moment for granted but still content that she was dying with him rather than without him.

"Let Kitten know... Let her know how much I love her too, won't you?" She wasn't sure how good of a job she had done as a step-mother to the little girl but she knew no small child deserved to lose one mother figure, let alone two. "And know it's no one's fault." She had the sinking feeling he might blame himself for all that had happened and would happen but she didn't blame him in the slightest so he oughtn't to either. "I just wasn't strong enough." Maybe if she had been a little stronger, if she had maybe done things slightly different or... No, it was pointless wondering now, whatever went wrong wasn't fixable and knowing about it wasn't going to change what had happened.

Her head was feeling hazy and heavy again, as if something was pulling down on her, trying to drown her, despite the fact she was in a bed. "I love you," she repeated in a faint voice. She hadn't said it enough, she was sure. "I wish we had... had more time... together." Ethelyn was thankful for the that they had had but she could spend an eternity with him and she was sure she wouldn't tire of him for a moment.

  

[Tavish MacFusty]

He had to look away. It was depressing and irksome and he was so angry as well as sad. He wanted to tell her to stop. That she wasn't dying, that she didn't need to say goodbye. He wanted to scream and shout and tell her that she was being ridiculous. But he knew she wasn't. He knew she was dying and she wanted to make sure they knew how much she loved them. It was that reason alone that he could manage to force himself to look at her. Because for all that he was hurting, for all that he was angry at the powers that be for taking her from him, it was she who was dying. Ethelyn was the one experiencing her last moments alive and he wouldn't let her doubt - for even a second - that he adored her.

"Ah'll tell Kitten...she knows, but Ah'll tell her." He said it softly, looking at her even though it killed him to see her a mere shadow of the woman he'd fallen in love with. But that was cruel to think, wasn't it? Sure, she wasn't the beautiful vision who'd first come to work for him but she was still Ethelyn. She was still gorgeous because he loved her. And she'd always be beautiful to him. Dying didn't make her a different person. She was the woman he'd fallen in love with. She was just sick and he couldn't change that. She couldn't change that. Nothing could change it.

He didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted this to be over, wanted her to peacefully close her eyes and be gone. Then another part hated the idea that she was so close to death. But it was better to wish it to happen sooner, wasn't it? He didn't want her to be in pain. He was so torn and uncertain of how to act. What did he say? What did he do? He supposed there wasn't much. So he just continued to hold her hand and whisper sweet things to her because he loved her and he wanted her to know that he wouldn't forget her. Even if he could, he wouldn't want to.

  

[Ethelyn MacFusty]

DATE: December 23rd, 1883
TAG: Tavish
Words: 79
NOTES:

Ethelyn managed a small smile at him as he kept her hand in his. She could feel the warmth of his hand against her own clammy one and to her it felt like the sun - warm and comforting. She wanted to hold his hand forever, if only he could keep her there by just holding onto her. It was there as she smiled at him, content with her lot, that her eyes closed for the last time.