Hey! You Don't Have To Hide Your Love Away

[Paul Pince]

23 July 1884

Things had been awkward between the three English men after Paul and John's fight. Paul's anger for John had quickly dissipated, but he still didn't feel inclined to interact with him with their old frequency. John Darrow seemed to be of a similar opinion. As for Ringo, he awkwardly had to balance between the two men. Paul had given him his version of the story and Ringo had agreed that John had been kind of a dick about their hosts. At the same time, he seemed more sympathetic towards him than Paul felt.

Days past and Paul was beginning to feel bad for John. He obviously missed home more than he or Ringo did and he felt less at home with their hosts compared to the other two. Paul began to consider the possibility that John's outburst had been caused because of that. He didn't truly mean all those horrible things about the natives. He was just a shyer person by nature and he was finding it harder to feel at ease in the new community, while his only friends were finding it a lot easier. He just didn't want to share his friends with others, in a way a child might. And, if he was into men, that could add to the general feeling of being out of place. For all that the natives didn't have the western family structures, Paul hadn't noticed any instances of homosexuality.

Ringo was off with a hunting party and most of Paul's female friends were busy helping one of their own give birth, which gave Paul the perfect opportunity of alone time with John. He found him sitting under a tree. Paul awkwardly sat down next to him and after a period of silence, he said: "You know that Ringo and I will still be your friends even if we make others, right?"

@'J. Alfred Darrow'

  

[J. Alfred Darrow]

Alfred had done a lot of introspection since his disastrous conversation with Paul. He had spoken briefly with the younger Englishman, but Ringer didn't have strong opinions one way or another, it seemed. If the three of them left, he would leave; if they stayed, he would stay. It was hard to anticipate what he might do if Alfred and Paul decided to part ways, and Alfred didn't want to put him in a bad place by asking. He'd been thinking about whether or not he would eventually have to leave Paul behind here, in order to keep going and eventually get to England, but he wasn't sure he could go through with it. There was no need to bring extra strife into Ringo's interactions with the two of them when nothing had been decided yet.

He wasn't going to die here, though. He wasn't going to live out the rest of his days as a member of some indigenous tribe. He wasn't going to follow Paul's lead and shack up with a local and join a hunting party and just agree for that to be the rest of his life. For him, at least, there were still things back home that were worth fighting for, and he wasn't ready to give up on them forever.

He wasn't an incredibly talkative person by nature, but he'd been even quieter since the fight. When Paul approached him he was sitting under one of the shady trees with the log book open on his lap, and a quill in hand. As the other Englishman approached, he marked his page and shut the book--it had gotten a little more personal, over the last week, than an official log ought to have done, and he didn't want to chance Paul seeing anything he'd written and getting offended or jumping to conclusions.

"Sure," he said, unsure where this conversation was going. Did Paul really think that he wanted to leave because he had some sort of childish insecurity about them making new friends?

  

[Paul Pince]

This was going well so far. Paul had expected for John to have another outburst. To start making comments about how superiour their homeland was to hide his own insecurities.

"I think that I have come to understand you, John," Paul continued. "I didn't realize it until our talk, but I suppose the signs were there." John was secretive and he'd never once seemed inclined to talk about his love life, unlike Paul and Ringo. That was obviously a sign that he was gay!

He paused and contemplated whether to do his signature shoulder touching. Probably not. He didn't want to give his friend false hope.

"You'll get home to him, John."

The following 1 user Likes Paul Pince's post:1 user Likes Paul Pince's post
   J. Alfred Darrow

[J. Alfred Darrow]

Alfred had entirely forgotten about Paul's offhand remark during their last conversation. He hadn't thought Paul had been making a serious inquiry, or else it might have bothered him more--it had sounded more like the sort of thing that Alfred said when he thought the wilderness might have been getting to people. Like telling Paul to get more fresh air and sunlight when he'd started getting really in to the runes in the temple, or encouraging Coarse to drink fresh water before he'd really started losing it. The remark was, in his mind, a question of his sanity, and he'd only cared about it in that Paul apparently thought he'd become compromised by the wilds somehow.

Alfred thought that Paul had been compromised by the wilds, just in a markedly different way. Being ready to throw away every bit of civilized behavior in order to chase after one of these tribal women was irrational, and it may well have been its own form of sexual sickness--just one he hadn't had much experience with prior to this and therefore didn't know how to 'treat,' so to speak. Part of him was hoping that Paul just went and fucked someone so that he could get it out of his system and start thinking rationally again. Another, more bitter part of him hoped Paul got some sort of disease so that Alfred could say I told you so, you idiot.

The phrase I think I've come to understand you was promising, if unexpected. Maybe Paul had been doing some introspection himself, over the past week, and he saw what Alfred had been trying to say? He sat up a little straighter, eager to hear what Paul had to say next, but was thoroughly confused by the next words out of his mouth. Get home to... who? His father was dead, and he thought he'd mentioned that to Paul before. Even if he hadn't, he certainly hadn't talked about him often enough for Paul to have assumed that Alfred had some fantasy about getting back home in order to make his father proud. Truth be told, Captain Peppersmith had been almost more of a father figure to Alfred than his biological father had been, and he was dead now, too.

Alfred honestly couldn't think of any other significant men in his life. Evander hardly counted as such. Most of his closest friends in the Navy had been on this expedition with him and were dead now. Who did Paul think he wanted to get home to? "Sorry, what?" he asked, honestly baffled. "Who?"

  

[Paul Pince]

Paul sighed. He expected for John to be coy about it. Being a homosexual wasn't easy and you had to be careful with who you shared your preferences with. The general opinion regarding it wasn't favourable. It was illegal to be like that.

John Darrow wouldn't be Paul's first gay friend. He'd met such a man in muggle university. They had been good friends, very close and at some point it had come up. Paul had found it odd at first, but then he'd come to accept that part of his friend.

"John," Paul began. He eased his features into an understanding smile. "Your man. Your lover." Before John could say anything, he added: "I understand, John."

  

[J. Alfred Darrow]

His lover? For a moment Alfred just stared at Paul, his face a blank mask of surprise. It actually took a second for the pieces to click together, because for a moment Alfred thought maybe his man (whoever that was) and his lover were meant to be different people, and although he wouldn't have described Vera as a lover (how vulgar!) that, at least, would have been something remotely close to the truth. By the time Paul was assuring him that he understood, however, Alfred had put two and two together and realized what the other man must have thought.

"My what?" he said incredulously. "My--no. No, I don't have--you've got it all wrong," he tried to explain. The fact that he was tripping over his words likely hadn't helped the situation much, nor would the flush that had risen to his cheeks, but he couldn't help either circumstance. He'd never been accused of being that way before, unless one counted the comment from last week, and he didn't know what to say in his defense. He'd never imagined that Paul might seriously think that.

The following 1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post:1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post
   Paul Pince

[Paul Pince]

"John. John," Paul urged as if he was trying to comfort a child. "You don't have to worry about it, John. I don't condemn you for it. We love who we love, John. I understand."

It all made sense. John's terrible words about the natives were probably part of it. His sexual preferences made it harder for him to conform in English society, which was why he tried harder to be part of it. It made sense. John wasn't actually a terrible person... He was just a hurt, vulnerable man who'd never been able to be himself.

The following 1 user Likes Paul Pince's post:1 user Likes Paul Pince's post
   J. Alfred Darrow

[J. Alfred Darrow]

"No," Alfred protested immediately, shaking his head in response to Paul's 'comforting' words. "No, you don't understand. I'm engaged."

He hadn't ever spoken about Vera to anyone on the expedition. Their entire relationship had been kept out of the public eye, so it wasn't fair to her to go telling tales. Besides, he sort of liked that no one else knew about what he had with Vera; it was like having a delicious sort of secret. Or it had been, before they'd shipwrecked. Since then, with the prospect of finding England again growing ever more distant, it had been his own personal burden to bear. He didn't want to talk about how much he missed her and have Paul give him some empty platitudes, and he definitely didn't want anyone knowing enough about his love life to bring her up.

That being said, he also didn't want Paul to think... well, that, and he didn't know what else he could say in his defense.

  

[Paul Pince]

Oh.

It was possible that Paul was mistaken. That, or John Darrow liked both men and women. Even if that was the case, it seemed redundant now to try and discuss John's potential homosexual tendencies.

In any case, Paul had guessed that there was a lover back in England.

"I understand why it's so important for you to return," Paul insisted and then voiced a sudden epiphany. "I suppose you are so against the thought of living with other women because you're afraid you'll give in to your carnal desires." Ah yes. That actually made sense. "You'd rather live all alone in the forest, just so you can remain faithful to her. So you won't fall to temptation."

  

[J. Alfred Darrow]

This. This was exactly why Alfred hadn't ever talked about her before now. The last thing he wanted at the moment was to have a conversation with Paul about carnal desires and temptations.

"Uh, sure," he said, his tone rather flat. Was this conversation over? Could they talk about something else?

  

[Paul Pince]

There was a pause in which Paul contemplated whether to leave the conversation end there. It seemed... naked to do so, though.

"I knew that you didn't actually mean it, John," Paul said. "I'm not angry with you."

  

[J. Alfred Darrow]

Well, at least Paul wasn't determined to discuss Alfred's sex life (or startling lack thereof) anymore, but this wasn't much better. He didn't care for the patronizing sort of tone his friend had taken on, and found himself scowling as he replied.

"Didn't mean what?" he said, tone quite tense. "I meant everything I said. I don't intend to die here, with these people. I mean to get whatever information I can from them and then leave, because I'm going home. What part of that plan was I not clear on?"

  

[Paul Pince]

"You can't possibly think they're animals!" Paul said, tone full of indignation.

  

[J. Alfred Darrow]

Alfred took a breath, trying to choose his next words carefully. He wasn't really keen on starting another fight with Paul, since that hadn't done him any good a week ago. At the same time, it would have been dishonest to imply that his feelings on the matter had changed, and he was afraid that if he didn't say what he felt, Paul would take that as some sort of implicit agreement that he was going to stay. At the very least, Paul might think that Alfred could be talked around to the idea, and he didn't want to give him that impression.

"They're not like us," he said carefully. "If we stayed here and did all the things they do, it's--it's not what I would call a life. I don't think there's any way for a civilized man to be happy here. And I think that you'd find that, too, sooner or later."