Dear Diary

[Beatrice Browne]

Dear Diary

September 8, 1882

The day is coming to an end. I am with child and I'm still uncertain as to how I feel about this. I think Sampson is excited...he didn't seem put off by the idea of me carrying his child again so soon after I lost the other one. But maybe he's just putting on a show for my benefit. I am roughly two months along. I suppose it won't be long before I start showing. On one hand I'm excited to be given another chance...on the other, the possibility is very real that I am unable to bear children. How will I survive knowing that I can never give Sampson a child? Surely he'd want to rid himself of his defective wife. I know Sampson loves me...but would he love me even if I couldn't give him a child? He would be a great father, and I couldn't bear to live with myself if I were the reason he'd never get to experience fatherhood.

Oh I don't know. I don't know if I'm strong enough to live through this. I don't know if I could handle losing another child. Even if I don't...who's to say I won't be a terrible mother? What if I'm just not good enough? Sampson deserves better than me...I'm sure of it. But I love him, and because of that I will hold my head high and persevere. I will keep my doubts to myself.

I honestly don't know what to do.