Texts from Last Fortnight

[Cassius Lestrange]

(613): hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.

Art.

  

[Hamish MacFusty]

(231):

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231):

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

Early Ev, just sayin'.

(812):

You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup

MacFustys, whiskey goes with everything

(747):

That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!

Tesseon fo sho

(617):

The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.

more MacFusty's because I feel like the whiskey comes out whenever they get together

(905):

To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town

Ev, clearly XD

  

[Grace Grimm]

(859):

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

Mac!

  

[Everett Grimm]

(402):

YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN

Lucinda & Ruth

(717):

You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.

Ev to Eze

(425):

You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.

Ev over his girls in 20 years.

  

[Catherine SaDiablo]

Edmond (ex-fiancÚ) to Immie... >.> Real gentleman, right?

(949):
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(949):
are you seriously doing this over text message

(949):
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Just WHY did this make me think of Will? WHY?

(973):
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

  

[Gabe Hatchitt]

(530):

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

Art

  

[Cassius Lestrange]

(760): So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

MACFUSTYS

  

[Cassius Lestrange]

(734):

Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.

Cash.

  

[Magnus Lockhart]

(425): THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

Rasli or Cashli? Probably both. Maybe Egypt and Rock soon...

(682): You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed

Sam. Sam forever. Art should beware because now Sam wants fur. >>

  

[Abraham Aesalon]

(740):

No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

Makes me think of Abraziel, IDK why xD

(904):

He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him

If Abraziel had happened in a different way omg that is so Abe I can't even handle it.

  

[Cassius Lestrange]

(256):

I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.

(256):

It's like 10 times better than an Oscar

art!

(860):

You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

Cangie!

(248):

I immediately regret the tequila decision.

Cash to anyone ever.

  

[Eli Swan]

Lock, when he has to get a big boy job:

Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me

Sam and his attempts at adorable romance:

: We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

If Thom had morals regarding friendship and marital fidelity:

I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy

Harrison Primpernelle, three hundred percent:

Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...

  

[Ursula Black]

So Tessa

(256):

Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.

Brutus. For sure.

(937):

Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."

  

[Oliver Fitzgerald]

" Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad"

THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE HUNGOVER

IMAGINE BENJI LEE GIVING YOU OREOS.

YEAH.

  

[Eli Swan]

Today, I happily told my parents that my boyfriend proposed to me last night. My dad's response? "Marry that goofy bastard and you're out of the will." FML

Made me think of Rock :) And Elias, of course.

  

[Blair Rose]

(415):

I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.

made me think of Surreal haha